a night of hidden moons and void emotions

i honestly dont know whats wrong with me anymore.

i feel so tired lately. exhausted. depleted. it's so not me. im losing myself and i have no idea how to find myself again.

have you ever gotten that feeling that you want to talk, have someone to talk to, but have no idea what to talk about? i feel lonely. i know i shouldnt, but i am, and i dont know why. and i dont know how to remedy it.

im consistently tired. exhausted. stressed. sick. annoyed.

easily triggered.

empty.

i'd ask for help if i only knew what it is i should be asking help for. im looking for something and i dont know what.

im standing on a road lost, not knowing where i came from or where im supposed to go. i take one step, look around me, and see too many signs point to too many directions. im stuck and i dont know where to go. i dont know what to do, what to expect.

im spilling.

thoughts pour through my fingers. continuous. without a thought. senseless. searching for an anchor to keep me grounded on this reality which i yearn so much to run away from. im surrounded by people of black and white, where the only pigment of color is me. im lost in a sea, unable to breath, confused by the vastness of it.  

scared.

my thoughts follow no direction, and they continue spilling. an outlet. and expression.

thoughts in a disarray. confused. lost.

the night is dark. the sky is scattered with stars. i see light from far away, winking. but my guide, my moon, is stuck in its dark side. the knowledge that its there is not enough. it is unseen.

i need to see.

i need to find.

i need to find me.

help me find me.

an unexpected vacation of serenity

so yesterday was mine and j's first anniversary together. can you believe it? hah~

i honestly didnt expect something too .. hm.. well, lets just say i didnt expect much. im particularly easy to please. just some quiet time together for a day would suffice for me. but he honestly surprised me when he asked me if he could bring me somewhere for our anniversary the day before. and i had no idea what he was planning. i said yes--though i was a bit hesitant because he asked that i disappear with him for about two days. basically, i was to spend the night with him somewhere. i had no problems with it, though i would have to excuse myself from home. 

anyway, i ended up going. i wanted to. during the first months of our relationship, he had already asked me to go with him on their family trip to a beach resort. i suppose it would be understandable if i was unable to go before, after all we just got together, and disappearing with him for three days and two nights was still a bit uncomfortable, more so staying with his family.

needless to say, i had no regrets that i agreed on that trip. it was my first time to spend a night by the beach. it was quiet, just the two of us, pondering over things, over life. about what happened before and what might happen in the future. we were sitting by the shore, my toes buried into the sand, the rushing sea before us and the endless sky above us. it was just us. it was more than i hoped for. in fact, the sky that night, glittered with stars, affected me so much that every time i looked up the night sky several nights after that, i was brought back to that moment. it was an overwhelming feeling.

i couldnt say thank you enough. it was an experience that i wouldnt forget. and that's a feat for a relationship that's only been a year old. as long as the stars glitter above me every night, that night by the sea will never be forgotten.

that night you reached out to me and gathered me close to you. you placed your arms around me--you were asleep but i felt then, with the way you held on to me and refused to let me go, how cared for, and how loved i was. i was perfectly content staying where i was, covered in blankets, surrounded with pillows, with your warmth beside me. 

that scene, that night--will be forever etched into my memories.

one down. more to go. here's to more years for us.

im just one glass too full

there always comes a point in time when i just bubble up--and thats not to be taken in a positive way. i meant bubble up as in up to an exploding point, as proved in my old blog posts. i cant help it. im the type of person who ignores and lets small things that annoy me slide by. this is a fact, and obviously, im aware of this trait in me. however, its also because of this trait that small things add up through time and just like a glass of water, once it's filled up--no matter the manner it was filled--it eventually spills. unfortunately, even though im aware of this, until now, i still cant control it.

im overflowing.

the problem with this is that, when im near that exploding point, im full of so many small things that i can get triggered by yet another small event, insignificant even--but still a trigger. and because im filled by small things i initially let pass, at this point when im overflowing with emotions, one cant just ask me "what's wrong?" because with all the little things, i cant just specify what is wrong, because at that point, everything has turned into a blur and the only thing wrong at that point is that my emotions are at its peak. at this point, im a volcano that wont stop spilling lava and magma until the core cools down. and that takes a while.

after that happens, im back to the first stage of my cycle. an empty glass of water waiting to be filled once more to the brink. its something i really want to change--but i guess this means i would have to find more outlets for me to let things go. this blog is one of those outlets.

lemme just make a small note on what happened when i exploded a few days ago. tuesday actually. it was during humanities class. it was a very little thing really, however, ive been annoyed at my prof since last semester and seeing him again wasnt doing anything good for my nerves. see, ive enrolled a bit later than my classmates so i wasnt there during their first class where he apparently gave out his orientation. so long story short, i missed some requirements for the class which is some kind of an identification card where our recitation points go to. i didnt know about it until the day of the recitation. i wanted to recite, i wanted a grade, but since i had no card, no grade for me. i asked him about it and he said "it was my duty to know". as if im being incompetent for not knowing about it.

so i exploded after class. it also didnt help that he kept turning away from me when i kept on talking to him about it. i mean, how hard can it be to tell me "i need you to pass me an index card". is that so hard? so i walked out and being unable to help myself, i shouted on my way out:

"you know what, nevermind!"

anyway, just so you know, a lot of students hate that prof, not just me. so im not exactly a freak case here. it just so happened that i wasnt able to help myself from exploding at that moment. so that's that. well, after that outburst, my "water" level went down so ive started to feel a bit better. but still im still a bit moody but that's almost close to normal too.

aaaaannyyway, it's the first day of december and i plan on starting it right.

im going out with some friends later for a late birthday celebration. must keep holding on to my good mood~!

a walk down the road not known to many

things hadnt been going smooth for me lately. it's nothing too drastic, it's just that my moods keep on getting in the way--which in turn, affects people around me whether i intend to or not. and believe me, i dont.

small things annoy me, pull on my nerves, and trigger my mood swings. i honestly am annoyed when it happens, and it gets more annoying and frustrating when i know about it but cant do anything about it. there isnt really a specific reason "why". i just am. and that is what makes it so hard to deal with. there's no reason to deal with. there's no specific problem to fix--my problem is the moment itself. which shouldnt be a problem. but i make it into one--without meaning to, i assure you.

sometimes, i see myself as a glass of water. small things, big things happen, and it adds up, and adds, and adds until i start to get full, near the brink of spilling over. because i dont often open up or release these pent up emotions, when i do spill, there's nothing specific to focus on. it's the spilling itself. when you add up things and it spills, you cant ask them to come out one at a time, it goes out in a rush as a whole--an entity you dont recognize anymore.

--------------

last night was one of those nights. i got annoyed over such small a thing, annoyance led into frustration and anger. the thing about me is, i act on emotion too often and when the realization kicks in, im too far into my emotions to just pull back with reason. its a one-way drive that i would have to ride until the end. 

this was where L came around. she's a friend of sorts, only known by a very select few. she and i had a talk, a talk i didnt know i needed. i wasnt even surprised that when the moment we started talking, i wasnt even on the edge anymore. i was underwater--just beneath the surface. she talked reason. 

the entirety of our talk was focused on my perspective on failure, disappointment, and trying. im not trying to lift myself up--but im the kind of person (i think) who would rather give than receive. i refuse to take what was given to me unless i really needed it--i didnt want to feel indebted to anyone. i am willing to give out as much as i can without asking for anything in return, because i dont want to expect. cause expectations sometimes only lead to disappointments.

"you dont expect. but it still hurts, doesnt it? you say youre used to it, 
but the truth is, you just disregard it."

why?

it's true i suppose. i guess i believe that if i dont expect--any feelings, any emotion, any pain that comes to me would be entirely my responsibility. 

--------------

"tell me, are you afraid of failure?"

"it's not the failure. it's the disappointment that comes after it. i can handle disappointing myself, but i rather disappoint myself than disappoint others. because disappointing others would also disappoint me."

"so you are afraid of failure because you do not want to disappoint people."

"i suppose."

"you are only human. you commit mistakes. no one is perfect."

 

how do i even differentiate the two? it's a cause-and-effect. one comes after the other, you cannot just take one away. the thing is, i dont want to share myself. i dont want to open myself up. because if i do, my failures would have to involve other people one way or another. and i dont want that. if i fail, when i fail, i rather that i would only be the person involve. its easier that way, at least i believed.

--------------

"you think in a web."

"a web?"

"let me put it this way. imagine a drop of water. it would create ripples wouldnt it? what if it dropped on a lake. would you notice the ripples?"

"no. i suppose not."

"because the lake is too big to be affected by the ripple. you need to learn to see the bigger picture."

it's unfortunate that im writing this down on mere memory--and i might be getting the words wrong but at least the thought is there. i asked where the conversation started--or where it was going. because i was trying to connect things. but sometimes, things are just not connected. some things are ought to be taken one at a time, i guess. and some things, are not worth thinking too much over. because such small a problem, need not to be made bigger. that some things, if left alone, will fix themselves one way or another. there's no sense in kicking yourself too much about it.

--------------

"say for example, you were walking and you fell because the floor was wet. would you just lie there?"

"no. i'd pick myself up."

"and what if you kept on falling? would you just simply give up?" 

"i'd pick myself up again because i wont be able to handle the looks people will give me if--"

"if you just gave up."

"--if i just gave up." 

-------------- 

"the lesson here is that, you need to learn to accept your failures. because lessons are learned from failures and past experiences. keep on trying." 

.

.

.

.

 .

it's unfortunate that i had to write this down on mere memory--and i might be getting the words wrong but at least the thought is there. after all, this kind of talk isnt something you can recreate. but it doesnt matter i guess, as long as i learned something from it. it's not the verbatim that is important, it's the lessons and realizations.

let's see where this will bring me.

--------------

"she can be evil."

"...."

"NOT IN AN EVIL KIND OF SENSE!"

"GAAAAAAAHHDD!"

 -disconnected-

to disappear among other things

so like i said on my last blog, i was away on a retreat so now im back~! for a few day now actually, but yeah i got lazy and ive only gotten to come around and write today. better late than never yeah?

ive much to say really, but its funny how the first two days of our retreat almost bored me to death, not to mention a certain "friend" who im fondly going to call "b" kept on groaning at me about how bored he was and how our speakers are "full of shit" (his words, not mine). nevertheless, the trip was worth it, i suppose.

oh by the way, before we head on into the more meaningful events of the retreat, can i just give a tiny space in this post in dedication to the food we had for three days.

applause please.

i honestly cant remember when was the last time in my entire life that i had that much food in a span of three days! i was still full from the last meal and i have to eat yet another meal within the next two hours. can you imagine, five meals in one day! unfortunately i wasnt able to take a picture of our meals since phones were confiscated during the retreat. but of course there are people, like me, who refuse to hand over their phones. but that doesnt mean i was going to let other people see that, especially the organizers.

surprisingly, after spending two nights in a retreat house, there isnt much "activity" for me to witness--at least nothing i couldnt handle or worth freaking-out over for. curious about the first night though when i woke up--as in totally woken up, with no trace of sleepiness--at three in the morning and for the second night, there was a moment where my hand was pulled from my pillow and apparently i suddenly sat up in the middle of the night then promptly went back to sleep--yeah weird. i know.

anyway, what else can i talk about? its because the sessions were so boring that ive nothing to talk about. i pretty much spent most of my days there eating, sleeping, walking around and reflecting on myself and the things ive done in the past--and the things i should do. it was pretty relaxing--minus the time where we had to sit through hours upon hours of boring talks and sessions. 

however, the part which i would like to take note of, is the candle vigil --which was the last event of our retreat. we, the CAS4 family, were allowed to voice out our thoughts, concerns, and feelings towards one another in a manner that was free and non-judgmental. all in all it was a success as far as i was concerned. most of us, if not all, had the opportunity to throw out those burdens that weve been carrying since our first year of college. and we went to bed that night with a feeling of lightness not often felt by most.

"it's not what you show to others that count, it's what you do."

"dont close yourself from others, you'll never know when someone is feeling the same way that you do, and sometimes, theyre just as scared as you are. learn to give them a chance you would want yourself to have."

pre:retreat

so i wont be around for a few days and i thought i should note it here.

i've been meaning to do this earlier but i fell asleep last night without packing my things so i woke up this morning and went around my room like the little hurricane i am and tried to pack within 30 minutes~ something im good with what with my trips to my cousins' place. what can i say, im a procrastinator.

today is my class' retreat so we'll be going on a "trip" for several days if you can call it a trip. it's an annual thing that my college has where they have you "find" yourself and commune with God and nature again. so i suppose with everything that's happened and been happening and will happen, i should take this opportunity to find my center. i know ive been losing my balance. 

i know i'll get some help doing it. 

here's to hoping i'll survive this with good results!

see you in a few days~!

"i am bad, and that's good"

just how many lessons can you get in one day? 

try in an hour.

let's start first with my day today. 

i went to my college today in hopes of enrolling myself for the second semester, and my last semester--since im graduating this march (hopefully) but i was unable to do so because one of my affiliations were not able to pass some requirements therefore as a member, my clearance was held as well. while that's not exactly my fault, i have nothing else to do but wait until all requirements are settled by that organization.

i was planning to head home after that since ive nothing else to do in school anymore but since i havent seen my friends for a while, i decided to stay and just spend time with them, talking and whatnot. it was entirely on impulse that one of them decided to watch a movie. it actually started with just one of us feeling hungry and wanting a snack. one thing led to another and we suddenly decided that we'll go to the mall and watch a movie.

we honestly had nothing in mind to watch so it was a whatever-is-playing decision on what to watch. wreck-it ralph was one of the choices.

wreck-it ralph is a disney film and surprisingly, and unexpectedly, i learned a lot from it. so here's me sharing this with you. in a nutshell, wreck-it ralph is about a "bad" guy who is tired of his title as the bad guy and prove himself to be a good guy. seems simple enough but it goes deeper than that.

thumbs up to disney for this.

so let's start with this first thing that inspired me: the race car that was made, broken, and remade--and everything that it signifies.

"in order to fix ourselves, we must first accept the fact that we are broken. and sometimes, the result after this realization is even better than the original."

of course, you cant fix something that isnt broken. but being broken doesnt exactly mean youre hopeless--or worse yet, trash. sometimes you have to accept that we arent perfect, only after accepting our mistakes can we move on to fix ourselves and become a better person. "breaking" is merely another way of overcoming our own weaknesses and emerging to be a stronger person with more stacks in experience.  so i guess what i want to say is that, nevermind being broken--everyone gets broken at some point in life, what makes us the person that we are is what we do about it. do we ignore it? do we allow ourselves to be disappointed about it? or do we overcome it?

second: ralph's "reputation"

"just because you and other people around you think or believe youre not doing any good doesnt mean you arent. we all have our roles to play--even if we and those around us dont understand it yet."

sometimes we dont understand why things happen. why us? why me? those are questions often asked when we feel as if nothing goes our way--as if the world is against us. but sometimes, these things are just lessons waiting to be learned. we dont have to understand why--at least not yet. not until we're ready to know why, and why us. these tasks, these roles, these experiences and lessons are given to us, given to you, not to burden you, but so you can overcome it and become a better person. and you know what? it's not a question of if you can overcome it. there is a certainty. you can, and you will, overcome it--there is a reason it was given to you--it's because you can. there is a reason these things happen, whether we understand it or not. i do believe everything happens for a reason. 

it doesnt matter if you dont understand yet why. what is important is that you will. eventually--trust me on this. life finds it's way to explain itself to you. you just need to be patient and be observant. sometimes the answers that you seek is just around a corner. it may not be in front of your eyes, but it is never far from you. after all, part of the lesson is how you get there--not just the lesson itself.

third: ralph

"sometimes people have to do what they have to do even though other people cant understand why they have to do it, even if it means appearing to be the "bad guy" in their eyes, even if it's not appreciated."

while the second "lesson" is about the situation, this one about you as a person, or the people around you. if you understood the lesson before this one, then this will lead you to understanding how people act sometimes. sometimes people do things that you dont understand and there will also come a time when you have to do some things that people wont understand--because you have to, and because it's the right thing to do. because it's your duty and there will be no other way and there are no other people who can do it--only you. sometimes doing the right thing is not the easiest thing and sometimes doing the right thing can risk a lot of things. your friends. your relationships. your reputation. or even you yourself. but you just got to do it--because it is the right thing, because it is what it should be, or maybe because it's the only way. rest assured that you will know it when this time comes and you will understand why and why you. you would know that you have to risk it--because just like in the first lesson, sometimes you need to break things to emerge with something new. something better. 

so maybe we need to think back on the people we originally thought were against us. maybe they were just trying to help us and we only didnt understand then. perhaps now, if we look back to it, maybe we'll find out they were only trying to do what's best for us. 

in our path to understand and search for ourselves, we take on a journey that is far more than we have initially imagined. sometimes its better than we hoped for or it may not be what we expected. and sometimes, after all that we do, after all that we experienced, we return to where we first started--only this time we are better, more knowledgeable, armed with experience and understanding. 

it's ironic really, life. to go so far only to return to the beginning. for you to appreciate what you have and who you are, you need to break away from what's familiar and venture into the unknown. because sometimes, the answer to the question you seek, is you. the only hard part is getting there. and sometimes, help comes from the most unlikely of places.

and now we've come to a full circle.

"searching for yourself takes you on a journey which will eventually, and certainly, bring you back to where you started: yourself."

two can keep a secret if one of them is dead

helloooo november~!

oh god. i havent written and forever! hello hello~ if you are here reading this, you are either a: one of those few who i gave this new link to, or b: someone who is determined to find this page since i changed this a few while ago--granted i threw the link around to see who cared enough or nosy enough to take a peek into this corner of mine. thank you thank you, whoever you are, for reading this--whether youre a friend or not. 

oh by the way! apparently, it has come to my attention that i've pulled some nerves with a previous post. well really, im going on a limb here and assume that it's me she's talking about.

hee~

it would take me a while for me to get over that. ah hah~ blood~ i see blooood~ let me laugh for a bit. youre too obvious girl. how many public, self-proclaimed witches are there around anyway? so im gonna assume thats no coincidence. you really wanted me to see that didnt you? trust me, i honestly want to copy your thoughts and paste it somewhere for my safekeeping! im so flattered. look, im even blushing. eeeee~! god im so giddy. by the way, im not mad. im not even sarcastic about this. im really amused~ thanks for making my night.

i actually planned on not reacting on it but just to be polite since she took some time to react to me, i'd do the same for her. first, if she's indeed ranting about me ranting about her, i'd say she's wrong because i never ranted about any particular person in this blog so far. i ranted about society and a group as a whole, yeah, but not a singular person. i also never assumed im superior over anyone, in fact ive accepted that im a very insecure person, thank you very much. but really, this topic has long been over and it should be down in the basement rotting or gathering mold somewhere.

oh by the way, the world that i crave to be part of? i am part of it, have been for almost a year now. and it's a world not many would understand--and i like to keep it that way. if this makes me weird then so be it. i know who i am, what i can do, and who i can be.

aaaaanyway, moving on.

i havent been able to write on my blog the past few days because my cousin came over for a week and she has been using my laptop. im on my sembreak and im spending most of it sleeping or out and about, just spending time with people i care about and having some leisure time.

speaking of leisure time, my cousin is almost like my little sister. so when she came over, we decided to get our nails done and make some leche flan~! it was fun on it's own. but what's noteworthy is when we went to moa with j. so there's the three of us. as usual, food tripping is a given. mang inasal for lunch and dippin dots, swensen's and sushi inbetween. anyway, im not sure if i mentioned it but ive been forming an addicting habit with playing technika in timezone in moa. so inbetween food tripping, there's me playing technika, me and my cousin playing dance maniax, and me, j, and my cousin playing billiards. we got home around midnight--though it was unfortunate that we werent able to follow the tradition of spending some time near the sea before going home. that was last october 29. and with me and j just being in moa last oct. 20, it's understandable that im broke. hah.

for all saints/souls day, my mom, cousin and i went to the cemetery yesterday to visit my sister's grave. my cousin went back to their place earlier this morning and so did my mom so i got the house mainly to myself now--as well as my internet. so maybe i'll get to return to watching gossip girl and stuff!

i still have one more week left with my sembreak and i'll be enrolling on monday or tuesday, depending on when i'll get the money. i still havent gotten my grades from last sem since im too lazy to go to school to fix my clearance. well, i'll get that done before wednesday--since my class will be having our retreat! man, im finally a senior now huh? one more sem left! 

hello world, here i come~!!

shoot me for getting this idea but--

so i dont know what happened but i suddenly want a change of wardrobe. style. clothes.

oh fuck--im turning into a girl. im actually looking into day dresses and skirts. >>;;

eitherway, if i do plan to go through with this, it would take a while to completely remake my closet. im not that rich you know. but i suppose i gotta start somewhere.

after 21 years of living, im finally getting in touch with the female inside of me. ahah..

perfect for a date

so let me just start this with me saying yesterday was perfect~

j and i went out for a date and even though i was a bit sick, i still managed to enjoy it. and i would be damned if i didnt write it down here--cause if there's a memory that's needed to be preserved in writing, yesterday would be it.

even though i was burning 39 celsius the other night, i was pretty determined to go out the next day and its a good thing my fever gave me a break--though not after i forced several paracetamols down my poor throat. anyway--moving on.

i dropped by j's place first because we had an appointment in a hospital before we went on for the day. one of his relatives were confined so we decided to stop by for a visit. now im not generally fond of hospitals for several reasons--some understandable and some not, but eitherway, unfortunately since i wasnt feeling very well, all i could do was sit in the corner of the room beside the window to prevent myself from throwing up, which i very much almost did. i recovered though. an hour after, we left.

and then there was that elevator ride on the way down. heh. (..that sounded dirty. it's not.)

aaaanyway, since we were in manila anyway, we took a short walk to harrison plaza. it's a childhood thing. we both had childhood memories in that mall since back when we were kids, its practically the only mall where we can spend some time with our families. it's changed now but the fishpond which we both loved when we were kids was still there. happy happy~

after a nostalgic visit to the fishpond, we finally headed off to moa where we spent the rest of the day. originally we were planning for some sushi but since my body was just recovering from a fever and my sense of taste hadnt fully recovered yet, i decided raw food wouldnt do me much good that day. so instead we went to tokyo tokyo (unlimited rice~!) and had this instead~

the beef was a bit oily so i went and had a cup of dippin dots to remove the taste and we decided to walk around and keep the food down. now i usually dont go into gaming zones but ever since the last summer where my cousin and i found some amusement with playing some of these games, i actually decided to step in one and play until i decided im tired and hungry and ready for one of the main reasons i wanted to go to moa: swensen's ice cream. so let me just---

j's treat. it's so-- omfgdelicious. i want some again. but yeah it's a bit expensive but but but-- it's really worth it. i recommend it to people who have the money and want to indulge with ice cream. ice cream is never a waste of money!

so anyway--let's move on before i start craving for ice cream again. another thing i like about going to moa is their tradition of having a fireworks display every friday and saturday evening. it's at 7pm to anyone who wants to see it and even though it only takes a short while, it's quite lovely to watch. but then again, that's coming from someone who's easily amazed by lights and fireworks.

if anyone's gone to moa, you would know about the huge ferris wheel at the back (yeah, by the sea), they call it moa's eye. im not generally a fan of ferris wheels especially huge ones--not after what happened in enchanted kingdom several years ago, but i decided it's not a bad thing to try again since the cars for the eye are enclosed. it's a bit expensive for a single round but hey, stack it up to experience. it's air conditioned inside! here have a view from the top:

anyway, after the food, fireworks, and the eye, we had nothing else left to do so j and i decided to head back to the back of the mall at the sea wall. every time we go to moa, it's been a habit to end the day just sitting by the wall and looking out at the sea just to talk and spend time together. it's a good practice and a relaxing way to end the day. we usually end up going home late because of this and last night is our latest yet. we left around midnight maybe? or maybe it was almost one in the morning but anyway--

there was almost no ride home left at that time of the night. the one we had left was heading for the general direction of home but it was a new way of going home for us. we were quite tired and fell asleep along the way--and we woke up just in time to miss our drop off. and we found ourselves lost. ahaha~ what we did was get off near a gas station and ask our way back home which we did--eventually. again, stack it up to experience! i got home around 3am and since j had to see me home, he got home later after that. while we were very tired, like, come-home-get-to-bed-and-pass-out tired, it's one of those experiences that i'll keep with me you know?

pictures provided by "sammy". hahaha

just a random sweet act

lemme just say i have the best boyfriend ever. 

last night i was just satisfied to have bread for dinner when he decided to bring me some fries at 10.30 in the evening. you dont get that very often~

so thank yoouuu~ i appreciate that gesture so much. <3

lesson 01

 1. just because you can do it doesnt mean you should. 

2. should you force to still do it then be ready deal with the consequences of your actions--on your own. 

3. in order to be able to do some things that are not normal, be ready to give something up in exchange.

 

my shoulder still hurts..

all is well that ends well

well hello there again~ i missed you too.

so my last blog was just me ranting about people, this one however, will actually be about an event that i'd like to preserve--which is why i'll be writing this down here.

last saturday, oct. 13, was my college department's team building--with us fourth year psychs being the organizers of the said event. well, the team building itself wasnt that much to note for--what with the event itself having a few misfortunes and disorganization. it was a swimming event and i was one of the first to be thrown into the pool--followed by a few other of my friends. it was fun in on itself, got burned a bit but im not too worried about that. 

however, that's not the highlight of the day. it was what happened after the team building that was worth writing about. me and a few of my friends decided to have an "after-party" if you want to call it that. since i was planning to sleep over in my boyfriend's house and since we have the same set of friends, we decided to grab a drink that night at his place. that was the fun part. drinks and random conversations and laughter. it made my night.

we talked about nothing and everything and some other things that people would likely to raise an eyebrow at. nevertheless, the feeling of being yourself was there--and that was more than i can ask for when im with a group of people--of friends. not many people can allow you to be yourself and be comfortable with it. you'd think the group i was with that night wouldve been my friends for years--but not at all. this just proves that years of being together dont amount to good friendship.

you have to choose your friends wisely. if you do, it doesnt matter whether youve been together for years or for a week. what matter is the acceptance.

now i suppose i'll go have a shower and get ready for the day.

the perks of being a wallflower

disclaimer 1: the entry in this post is my opinion and mine alone. respect it or get out. i also do not claim that my opinion is the right one, but it is my belief. i am not going to trample on anyone else's opinion but this is my corner of the internet and i can say what i want--im not writing for the readers or to gather comments, so if you have any comments or violent reactions to this post, well, stick it in a juice and suck it. also, this is just self expression, what i write here, i will leave here and i will not be carrying it with me to shove it into other people's faces later on. okay. thank you. i will write this and move on promptly afterwards. forget and let go.

disclaimer 2: yes i am aware that the title of this blog post is a title of a book-turned-movie. and no, i havent read or watched it yet, maybe i will check it out, maybe i wont. but yeah, i wont be talking about the actual book/movie here, but nevertheless, it fits.

moving on to the actual content of this post.

can i just say, people need to get off their fucking pedestal and realize that they are nobody. they are noone. i am noone. we are noone. we are a part of a society as a whole and at the end of the day, we all go to sleep cause we are tired because we are flesh and bones and humans and flawed. 

get that through your goddamned skulls.

personally speaking, i consider myself a very passive member of my community. issues arise, they come and go, but i no longer care to take a major part of them unless i am straightly involved--and often times, im not--because of my choice to stay in the background. it allows me to survey the situation better without worrying which side to take--because i am not expected to. im just the fly on the wall you know? and i think it's better that way.

no one cares to notice those who arent pushing their way into the main picture. this means you are left alone with your thoughts without the pressure of sharing your thoughts of the majority. no one would care if youre against them either--cause to them, youre no one. well to me, they are no one as well. merely acquaintances that i have to coordinate with in this stage of my life. they will go just as they came and we all just have to accept that. only a fair few of people will actually stay with you through the course of your life--so why care about the others? why invest so much emotions that will just lay to waste several years later? answer: you dont. you dont unless you want to lose your identity just so you can be a part of the majority.

no thanks. i like myself.

but do you know what i dont like? people who think too much of themselves--so much so that they turn a blind eye to what is real and what is right. people who got their nose up too high that they cannot see the rock that lay in front of their feet, until they stumble and fall to the ground--by then they are already wounded and full of regrets. well, unless you are fucking god, i dont think you have the right to think youre any better than any other human in the frickin planet. i dont--in fact i think im insignificant with insignificant thoughts--but they are my thoughts and these thoughts make up who i am. it is my right to think this way--but it is not my right to disrespect and step on other people. 

it is no one's right to deny other people the respect they deserve. 

because in the end, we all are reduced to ashes. we are all the same. doesnt matter whether person a is booksmart and person b is streetsmart. doesnt matter whether you have a superior iq and the other doesnt. the issue here is humanity--being humane.

equality--giving due credit to those who deserve it.

but here's a tip: it's better to be underestimated than to overestimate yourself.

im usually passive. quiet. but you have no idea how loud my mind is. screaming at the injustice and wrongness that is surrounding me right now.

im not taking any sides here, like i said, im just a fly on the wall. all i have is my side. a side which may or may not be of importance to anyone else. but at least im me enough to stand my ground and state my opinion.

dont call me a coward for expressing all this in here--a safe haven, a sanctuary, a face hidden, safe behind the screen of my laptop. im not. what i am, is choosing the battles i fight in. for i see no reason to fight a losing battle. who am i? i am no one. i am simply girl with her own ideas--a single entity with no desire to go against a hive with a single mindset. 

im not suicidal.

realization of something that is long overdue

this entry wont be a long one. it will be straightforward.

"dont let your happiness depend on something you may lose"

makes sense.

i was scrolling through my dashboard in tumblr when i stumbled upon that quote and then he comes to mind. i just realized then that after all the relationships i've been in, especially the last one, he is the first guy who i've no doubts of leaving me--which is a big difference from the last where everyday it's me waiting and expecting for him to straighten up and tell me he's done with me. that was how i felt more than 75% of the time that i was with him. in three years, i never grew out of that fear. look how well that turned out.

reading that quote made me realize that not even a year into our relationship, i've already settled into the comfort of the idea that he wont be leaving me anytime soon--hopefully ever.

im happy. he makes me happy.

and for the first time, i wasnt afraid of losing it, of losing him--of him leaving me. perhaps it's because he made sure to break me out of that way of thinking before we officially got together. im referring to the kind of thinking where nothing is permanent and everything is supposed to end one way or another--eventually. i still remember what he said:

"what is the sense of being in a relationship if youre just expecting for it to end anyway?"

he made me think. it was hard, to break out of my insecurities in regards to relationships. i'm not entirely sure if im 100% over it but im much better now. 

i believe i've finally found someone who's earned--and is worth--my trust.

lucky me~

a year later and you still make my heart fly

it's one of the most precious feelings as far as im concerned. the feeling that would engrave the moment in your mind. the rush of emotions, the heat in your cheeks, the undeniable smile on your face even though you try to hide it, the beat against your chest.

my boyfriend likes to sing. he likes to sing randomly, and sometimes he sings for me. sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's heartwarming, sometimes it's sexy, and sometimes it's just perfect.

the other day was just like any other day. we spent the day together just lazying around. but it was that night that made the day worth noting for me.

we were waiting for a bus to ride home when his phone played a song that apparently caught his attention since he started singing it--which in turn caught my attention.

what is the reason, when you really could have any man you want,
I don't see, what I have to offer.

he stopped singing, turned to me and asked, "why indeed did you choose me, when you can have any man you want?" i just smiled, said. "why not you?" why indeed? but i did get the man i wanted. i wanted him. despite his beliefs that he didnt have much to offer me, i would just like to say that he gave me so much that i thought possible.

what did he have to offer? if this is a question of being worthy, i dont see who else could be anymore worthy than him. i honestly dont have the habit of asking material things that often. he makes me smile, he puts up with me during the good and bad times, he understands me, accepts me, loves me for who i am and if those arent enough to make one worthy of me, i dont know what would.

he makes me happy. and that's more than anyone can ask for at any time of their lives.

that night he said something about butterflies, about the irony of how no matter how beautiful they are, they cant see it themselves. it's the same, see? he probably believes that he's not that special because he cant see himself the way i do, the same way i cant see myself the way he sees me. maybe that's why we have each other. to show one another what we cant see ourselves, to make each other realize who we are, and who we can be. to hold each other up when we cant hold ourselves up alone.

when a day is said and done,
and in the middle of the night you're fast asleep, my love

I'm the luckiest man alive.

all i can say is that, im just as lucky to have you and call you mine.

RA 10175. this is for you.

fuck off, you bunch of incompetent shit.

thank you.

what to do?

i found out yesterday that my boyfriend is sick. i had him take some meds but apparently he's still getting worse. it worries me and i dont know what to do. i'd visit him if i have the time but that might have to wait till thursday. we really have no idea what happened, but then again most of the time, getting sick is like that. you wake up one morning feeling like shit--without any reason at all.

too many people i know are getting sick lately. maybe it's the weather.

argh. what should i do? im worried. i feel so helpless.

small things. big things. all worth remembering.

it's been a year today since we officially met. most people probably dont know, probably dont even notice. but i do notice things worth noticing. small things, they may seem to be, but at that moment, even i had no idea how big it would turn out to be.

i still remember the first time i laid eyes on you. a stranger in a table full of people i know. a new face. a face i didnt know then would eventually be the reason for a smile on my face.

i remember when i stepped into the bathroom to wash the cake's icing from my face. i never told you that despite the blur that was my eyes, i saw you in the corner trying to record the moment.

i remember the event afterwards wherein due to the lack of chairs because of the amount of people in that venue, you chose to sit beside me, on my chair's armrest, and i used your leg as my armrest. i suppose you knew too by then the sense of familiarity that ran through us both. you acknowledged it first before i did.

i remember when you finally told me your name. a name that i didnt know then would be a name that i would never forget. you asked for my number and despite the fact that i dont really give out my number that easily, we exchanged numbers.

i remember when you offered to bring me home, a stranger i've only met a few hours earlier, when none of my other friends would see me safely home. but you cared. you went out of your way to bring me home. despite the fact that i wont remember your name in the morning, i let you bring me home. it was an innate trust.

i remember the next time i saw you after that day. it was a coincidence yet again, that you would be hanging out in that place with some of my friends. you had a topic i was interested in and i decided to stay. i remember sitting right in front of you. i remember meeting your eyes and saw that you regarded me in a curious way--as if you cannot decide what to do with me. that curiosity that i saw in your eyes was a thrilling sight.

i remember that in the same day, that night, you shared with me a secret that i know now wouldve been hard for you to share. yet you decided i was worth it, and i thank you for it. for we both know if you didnt see me, the real me, we wouldnt be here now, and my life wouldnt be so interesting as it is today.

i remember the first time you called. i was shaken but you decided to check up on me and make sure i was okay. it was the first time someone ever called me just to check if i was alright--and you immediately made me better. you did.

i remember when you asked me and brought me out on a date. it was a first, that's for sure. you recognized that i was feeling awkward so you brought it on yourself to loosen me up, and you succeeded. thank you for understanding me, for reading between the lines. i enjoyed that day more than i expected.

i remember when you brought me home that night and you said goodnight. you leaned in for a kiss and i gave you my cheek. i turned to look at you afterwards and i remember seeing the light in your eyes. i appreciate that you didnt push me and instead you looked completely contented with me right then. i've never felt so appreciated.

i remember that day after school, in that place where we always hang out. i was annoyed that you came in late, but i didnt know you decided to get me something that day. i had a difficult time eating but you went out of your way to buy me food which you wouldnt eat yourself, just to ensure that i would eat something that day. you would tell me later on that that was the day you decided to officially court me.

i remember the nights after that when you called me every night. we talked about nothing and everything and we never ran out of topics. slowly, i opened up to you, and you accepted me for who i am. we would share questions, share answers, of ourselves and everything else. i would fall asleep on the phone, knowing you were on the other line. you gave me the comfort i didnt know i needed.

i remember our bet. it was a small game. i had no intention of losing, but for all my cleverness, you found a way around me and won. the next day you brought me back to our place. i was nervous as you leaned in to kiss me because i lost our bet. but i won just the same. i won so much more than i thought i would. it wasnt my first kiss, but i consider it just the same. it was the first kiss i willingly gave anyone.

and i remember the day i finally said yes and i saw the joy in your eyes as if you couldnt believe what you just heard. you pulled a friend and proudly presented me as yours.

and i never felt so loved. so cherished. so precious.

in my life i always believed im contented with myself. in my solitude and silence, i thought i was complete. and then you came along and showed me a life that i didnt know i was missing. you came and you provided me what i needed even before i realized what it is.

warmth. comfort. understanding. acceptance. love.

untitled

i feel awful. worthless.
not just tonight, but for several days now.
it's too much. i cant take it anymore.

im crying.

but you wouldnt know.
you wouldnt even care to check.

you didnt listen.

there's no one to reach out to.
youre too busy to notice those which i want you to notice.

a random moment in time

according to a test i took in byzantium which analyzes my subconscious, this is the result:

You are a principled independent with a dark side.

Your responses indicate a desire to escape from your troubles, and a fear that this action will destroy what you’ve already achieved.

These conflicting emotions sometimes cause you to be abnormally irritable and impatient when your needs are not met. Your concentration is also impacted, often leaving you feeling groggy or agitated.

The ensuing anxiety usually leaves you feeling vulnerable. As a result, you become less affectionate with people you care about. You occasionally become caustic and even needlessly cruel.

This stems from your own insecurity and fear of failure. Leveraging your ability to remain strong in the face of adversity — an ability you’ve proved to possess in the past — is the key to your emotional satisfaction.

You have a strong opinion of your own abilities, which is deserved. You are sharp and intellectually discerning when the need arises. In times of great stress, you have the will power to make difficult decisions.

 
it's quite frighteningly accurate.

in the right place at the right time

life was dull. boring.

life was constant for her. there was nothing new. everything was painfully plain, reminding her of the harsh reality of life. she had always been the different one--both in a positive and a negative sense. she was aware of it and did nothing to change it for she didnt find anything wrong with it.

in fact, she took comfort in her solitude. 

or so she believed.

she was a girl forever mystified by the darker side of reality, the unknown and uncharted waters of fantasy--fantasy which she never stopped believing in. for her, there was a shred of truth in it, just waiting to be discovered. and she yearned to reach for it, to be pulled into a universe that would threaten to swallow her ignorance and overwhelm her with possibilities too many to discover in a lifetime. 

she never stopped hoping.

it was that one day, one seemingly ordinary day, that threw her off the path of reality and into a road untrodden.

------

i usually dont write blogs about my relationship as i believe such a part of my life should be considered private. but there are some times that i get the urge to write. not to boast, but for me to remember that once, in my life, there happened an event that i didnt expect at all. so much so, i didnt even consider the possibility of it happening. 

i believe myself to be a plain girl, stuck in reality with dreams of reaching far beyond the realm of possibilities. i write and i write and i write--my sole release from reality, my one way of spreading my wings and enter a world which only resides in my imagination. it made me different--and that's not always said on a positive connotation. strangely enough, i didnt mind my being different. i didnt mind being alone. i didnt want to conform if that would mean that i would have to let go of my beliefs--for me, i would rather hold on to my thoughts than let go of them for the companionship of another. my solitude was my best friend.

------

and then he came along. 

the meeting seemed to be anything but mere coincidence. we were in the right place at the right time. it was late and i had to go home. i wasnt in my right disposition and someone had to bring me home. noone else was available except for him. a stranger who ive only met not a few hours earlier, whose name was the only thing i know about him. a name which was forgotten in the morning.

his name is now a name which i will never forget.

honestly speaking, at first it would seem that our meeting happened at the wrong time. we were both in a relationship--never mind that both our relationships are that's nearing its own destruction. we were the kind of people who hoped for the best and ignored the rest. we were the kind of people who would hold on in a blind hope that something so ruined can still be redeemed. 

there was an attraction which i attempted to ignore. it was wrong at the time since we were both in our respective relationships. i acted as casually as i can, ignoring the faint hum of familiarity and a sense of belonging that he emitted whenever we spent time together. my mind was screaming the word wrong at me while everything else felt right. i would admit now that im a girl more emotional than rational.

the first call was a warning to me. yet i answered it. the second call was without any sensible reason, yet i enjoyed it. then the calls continued on--conversations about nothing and everything, of staying up late and falling asleep on the phone. eventually a sense of understanding came up.

the first invitation for a date almost sent me into a silent panic attack. it wasnt supposed to be. i shouldnt go despite the fact that i wanted to. here comes the amusing way of how people rationalize things in a manner that would benefit them, ignoring the underlying meaning of things. i denied the thought of it being a date. for me it was merely a trip of sorts. i had my reason of going out, and he simply wanted to accompany me, and i let him. but i knew i wasnt kidding myself. 

i was screaming. arguing at myself. demanding to know what it is im actually doing going out with him.

i tried to fool myself into thinking that it was just a friendly trip, until he invited me to watch a movie. at that point i literally stopped in my tracks, disbelieving. i wanted to run. i wanted to say no. i wouldve, if he hadnt already paid for the tickets. i didnt want to go but for the sake of politeness, i agreed. inside i was suffocating. he was too near. and despite the volume of the movie, it felt too quiet. however, i would have to acknowledge the fact that he warmed me up. im not entirely sure if he knew it or it was something that just comes naturally to him but eventually he was able to bring me a sense of comfort. i started to actually trust him.

that day ended with a silent time by the sea where we talked about everything and nothing, similar to the way we talk on the phone. by that time i was confused--or perhaps deep down, i already knew what i had to do, only that i wasnt sure right then if it was the right thing to do. but i was starting to have affections for him and it wasnt fair to the other person i was with at that time.

------

the days after that  became a blur. the lines that kept our friendship in boundaries became a blur as well. friendship eventually turned into a quiet relationship which despite the lack of confirmation, shone as bright as the sun. we enjoyed our time together, exchanged thoughts and emotions--which at the time i seriously wanted to be fleeting. 

i didnt want attachment. i didnt want another failure in my life. i didnt want to be disappointed, or hurt, or betrayed. i suppose somehow my refusal to accept things as it is frustrated him. i avoided attachment. i avoided solid ground. as much as i wanted it, i avoided confirmation because confirmation of what we are then would mean accepting him into my life.

and i wasnt sure i was ready for that then.

------

several months had passed, almost nearing a year since that night he first brought me home. we were able to straighten things out with our past. he was able to convince me to give him a chance and i didnt regret giving him that chance. 

i didnt write this post to flaunt him or our relationship, nor did i write this to gush on him. i didnt write this to lay fault on either of our past partners. i wrote this so i can remember.

i wrote this to remind myself that once i allowed a stranger a chance to enter my life.

i wrote this to remind myself that i do not regret that decision.

after all, if i didnt give him the chance, we wouldnt have known that we werent strangers after all. and that our meeting that night was not a mere coincidence. but a meeting merely delayed for it to take place in the right place at the right time. 

and i wouldnt have known that there is an entirely different world parallel to the everyday reality that we are all living day after day.

and i have only him to thank for.

thank you for finding me again.

the threat deadlines with a blissful route of escape

so it's been a while since i last blogged--which was about me getting sick. so i suppose it'll be understandable why i didnt write anything for a week or so. i didnt really have the energy to sit in front of the computer and force my mind to work. it wouldve been an impossible feat anyway. so instead i practically vegetated in front of the tv, curled up on the couch while flipping through channels on our cable, from history channel, to discovery, natgeo, fox, star movies, hbo, animax, and even cartoon network (yeah, i went there--adventure time anyone?).

i would also like to note how happy and precious i felt when j came over that sunday and just pass the time doing a potc marathon. yeah, im quite satisfied just sitting there on the couch with him watching johnny depp on the screen. eheh~ he even brought donuts. hooray for that~

the week after that, which was last week, was my midterm exams. i didnt really study for anything, but im like that. im not trying to boast or anything, but i think ima pass my subjects. basically, i was still recovering last week so its just me going to school, take the exam, then spend the rest of the day resting and lounging about (mostly with j). but still, i tend to stay away from my laptop even then.

so yesterday, my mom and i went out and she finally bought herself a laptop (finally leaving me with my own) so that's why i finally had access to my laptop now. see the problem before is whenever my writing muse comes for a visit, i cant use my laptop cause she's using it, and by the time she lets me on, my muse is already gone. unlike today, despite being late in arrival, at least i can write the moment i get the urge to. so hello blog again~ i missed you.

anyway, since i basically stayed away from my laptop for more than a week, and with me being a page editor in my college's newspaper, needless to say, i have heaps of work to do, articles to write--five of them actually. eek.

so yeah im trying to get my groove back into writing which is why i started by writing this blog and hopefully this will get my brain fuel burning. so here i am, trying to get up to the demands of my job but all writers know it's hard to force a writer to write without a muse. but im not sure that's gonna matter now since im waaay behind deadline, and while i dont physically seem like it, im panicking over the amount of articles i have to write.

eitherway, next week will be my college's intramurals so that's going to be a full week without classes. let's just hope i find it in me to actually use that amount of time to my advantage. in the meantine, ima go take a quick shower before trying to wrestle my writing muse to stay with me a couple more hours.

i think i'll bribe her with a cup of latte. till next time~

be careful what you wish for.

i have to take two different meds starting today for two weeks.

yeah.

i really dont know when it started. maybe it was that one night when i stayed up all night to finish up requirements in my logic subject. i finished the entirety of the project at around 6am then with a class hanging over me in an hour and a half. so long story short, i only had an hour of sleep to let me function the entire day the next day.

after class that day i immediately hugged my bed and fell asleep.

i woke up the next day at around 8 or 10 am, i cant remember now.

so thats stress, overwork, lack of sleep, and lack of food all in a span of 24 hours.

then just last night, my throat started to hurt. i thought it was just a temporary thing. maybe i ate too many sweets, or chewed too much ice that my throat went hoarse. but it steadily grew worse and eventually i developed a light fever. i still went to sleep. it was today that i really felt awful. coughing, headaches and a hurting throat. eventually my mom decided to bring me to a doctor, thinking it was tonsilitis.

turns out i was having hyperacidity. stress and forgetting to eat builds up acid in my stomach and eventually it worked up to my throat which resulted in my current condition.

so that's why im stuck with two different meds for the next two weeks.

boo hoo.

and its a monday. among other things.. coffee anyone?

helloooo monday. 

its been a while since i actually had to go to class on a monday. the previous mondays were suspended either due to a storm or a school event or a holiday. nevertheless, its been a while--so much so that i cant remember the last time i had classes on a monday.

eitherway, monday classes have returned with a vengeance.

first class today was at 7.30 this morning and man was it pressuring. its our research subject and (i just noticed my eyes are bloodshot. why? im coming down with my allergy again, so i just popped in my med. let's hope it works) our prof was so terrifying that we actually managed to produce an output from nothing within an hour or two. i actually produced an output that gained a "very good" comment. who would've thought? eitherway, i really cant express how pressuring that was in words. either im really out of words to describe, or my brain is just too tired to think at this point (which is bad cause i have tons of other stuff to finish tonight).

moving on, after our research subject, i had a small "breaktime" if you can call it that. well, compared to my research subject, having my ojt at the guidance office of my college was a breeze since i just had to check some tests and score them. it was a job that didnt require much brainpower from me so it was a rest of sorts even though my hands are working mechanically.

next comes filipino psych after lunch. i had to report along with a group mate but it was generally a pleasant experience, more so since it was then i received the feedback on the hurried output i gave our prof for research earlier in the day. i also had a moment to feel giddy when the topic went to courtship and our prof decided to ask us girls--those who are currently in a relationship--how we were courted by our boyfriends. anyway, after that we had to go to our logic class--which is unfortunately led by a prof i would dare say illogical at times. fortunately for me (and unfortunately for others) it would seem he's playing favorites and are easily swayed by compliments. last time he gave the class a quiz--a hard one at that, if i were to answer it. fortunately our report that made me and a friend exempted from that exam--and get a perfect score. on top of that, i was honestly and unexpectedly surprised to find out i actually did good on our first quiz, which i thought i failed. in fact, he told me i got one, if not the, highest score for that quiz, 32/40. i honestly dont know where that came from but hey, not complaining (one of the questions was define meditation, but since i didnt know his definition of meditation, i went with what meditation meant to me--since ive been practicing it. i think it managed to satisfy. hah).

and then physics came up (dun dun dun). suddenly my brain was drained by derivations and formulas and solutions and problems and numbers.. ugh. i used to like physics back in our prelim period but i honestly dont know what to expect now. i might even fail (hopefully not. but chances are my grade might go down). while i get the gist of what our prof in physics is teaching (and believe me, im trying here), i still get confused. maybe a few more problems might help me smooth things out. i think i had physics for two hours or so? so yeah. its pretty draining. 

moment of silence for my braincells that died earlier.

and more to die soon.

after classes, my groupmates came over to work on our thesis a bit. well, i believe we made some progress and its more than i can hope for these days, what with all the schedules and deadlines coming up. which reminds me, i have too much work left to do. evaluations, an assignment, and articles for the newspaper. also, i just registered the fact that as a page editor for the college's newspaper, i would have to check the articles for the features page. omg. 

well. i think ima go shower now and get a cup of coffee afterwards (my allergy seems to be dying down now). maybe i can work on some stuff i need to get done (but i think i should accept the fact that i may not finish all of em now).

can it be friday already?

here's to my sanctuary

i actually missed my room being just mine.

its been a while since i had my room and my laptop all to myself and im quite satisfied.

i missed coming home and just lay down in my room all by myself. it allowed me to rest as much as i can without thinking of anything else. i've been to j's earlier and i needed the break, not that it wasnt relaxing to just lay down on his bed and cuddle with him while watching a movie, but finally returning to my room--that is just mine and mine alone--is like the cherry on top of my sundae. i need more days like this.

just thought i'd write that down here.

hooray for privacy~

a ring of gold and blue sapphires

i had this dream not too long ago.

of broken glasses and golden rings
of blue sapphires and shining diamonds
in a church of black and brown.

down on one knee
and an affirmation
standing before a power
unmistakable.

a dance of two
a dance for one
and a dance with no count.

with a memory of broken shards
of a clear glass lined with gold
falling--like stars from a night sky.

all because of a ring of gold and blue sapphires.