shoot me for getting this idea but--

so i dont know what happened but i suddenly want a change of wardrobe. style. clothes.

oh fuck--im turning into a girl. im actually looking into day dresses and skirts. >>;;

eitherway, if i do plan to go through with this, it would take a while to completely remake my closet. im not that rich you know. but i suppose i gotta start somewhere.

after 21 years of living, im finally getting in touch with the female inside of me. ahah..

perfect for a date

so let me just start this with me saying yesterday was perfect~

j and i went out for a date and even though i was a bit sick, i still managed to enjoy it. and i would be damned if i didnt write it down here--cause if there's a memory that's needed to be preserved in writing, yesterday would be it.

even though i was burning 39 celsius the other night, i was pretty determined to go out the next day and its a good thing my fever gave me a break--though not after i forced several paracetamols down my poor throat. anyway--moving on.

i dropped by j's place first because we had an appointment in a hospital before we went on for the day. one of his relatives were confined so we decided to stop by for a visit. now im not generally fond of hospitals for several reasons--some understandable and some not, but eitherway, unfortunately since i wasnt feeling very well, all i could do was sit in the corner of the room beside the window to prevent myself from throwing up, which i very much almost did. i recovered though. an hour after, we left.

and then there was that elevator ride on the way down. heh. (..that sounded dirty. it's not.)

aaaanyway, since we were in manila anyway, we took a short walk to harrison plaza. it's a childhood thing. we both had childhood memories in that mall since back when we were kids, its practically the only mall where we can spend some time with our families. it's changed now but the fishpond which we both loved when we were kids was still there. happy happy~

after a nostalgic visit to the fishpond, we finally headed off to moa where we spent the rest of the day. originally we were planning for some sushi but since my body was just recovering from a fever and my sense of taste hadnt fully recovered yet, i decided raw food wouldnt do me much good that day. so instead we went to tokyo tokyo (unlimited rice~!) and had this instead~

the beef was a bit oily so i went and had a cup of dippin dots to remove the taste and we decided to walk around and keep the food down. now i usually dont go into gaming zones but ever since the last summer where my cousin and i found some amusement with playing some of these games, i actually decided to step in one and play until i decided im tired and hungry and ready for one of the main reasons i wanted to go to moa: swensen's ice cream. so let me just---

j's treat. it's so-- omfgdelicious. i want some again. but yeah it's a bit expensive but but but-- it's really worth it. i recommend it to people who have the money and want to indulge with ice cream. ice cream is never a waste of money!

so anyway--let's move on before i start craving for ice cream again. another thing i like about going to moa is their tradition of having a fireworks display every friday and saturday evening. it's at 7pm to anyone who wants to see it and even though it only takes a short while, it's quite lovely to watch. but then again, that's coming from someone who's easily amazed by lights and fireworks.

if anyone's gone to moa, you would know about the huge ferris wheel at the back (yeah, by the sea), they call it moa's eye. im not generally a fan of ferris wheels especially huge ones--not after what happened in enchanted kingdom several years ago, but i decided it's not a bad thing to try again since the cars for the eye are enclosed. it's a bit expensive for a single round but hey, stack it up to experience. it's air conditioned inside! here have a view from the top:

anyway, after the food, fireworks, and the eye, we had nothing else left to do so j and i decided to head back to the back of the mall at the sea wall. every time we go to moa, it's been a habit to end the day just sitting by the wall and looking out at the sea just to talk and spend time together. it's a good practice and a relaxing way to end the day. we usually end up going home late because of this and last night is our latest yet. we left around midnight maybe? or maybe it was almost one in the morning but anyway--

there was almost no ride home left at that time of the night. the one we had left was heading for the general direction of home but it was a new way of going home for us. we were quite tired and fell asleep along the way--and we woke up just in time to miss our drop off. and we found ourselves lost. ahaha~ what we did was get off near a gas station and ask our way back home which we did--eventually. again, stack it up to experience! i got home around 3am and since j had to see me home, he got home later after that. while we were very tired, like, come-home-get-to-bed-and-pass-out tired, it's one of those experiences that i'll keep with me you know?

pictures provided by "sammy". hahaha

just a random sweet act

lemme just say i have the best boyfriend ever. 

last night i was just satisfied to have bread for dinner when he decided to bring me some fries at 10.30 in the evening. you dont get that very often~

so thank yoouuu~ i appreciate that gesture so much. <3

lesson 01

 1. just because you can do it doesnt mean you should. 

2. should you force to still do it then be ready deal with the consequences of your actions--on your own. 

3. in order to be able to do some things that are not normal, be ready to give something up in exchange.

 

my shoulder still hurts..

all is well that ends well

well hello there again~ i missed you too.

so my last blog was just me ranting about people, this one however, will actually be about an event that i'd like to preserve--which is why i'll be writing this down here.

last saturday, oct. 13, was my college department's team building--with us fourth year psychs being the organizers of the said event. well, the team building itself wasnt that much to note for--what with the event itself having a few misfortunes and disorganization. it was a swimming event and i was one of the first to be thrown into the pool--followed by a few other of my friends. it was fun in on itself, got burned a bit but im not too worried about that. 

however, that's not the highlight of the day. it was what happened after the team building that was worth writing about. me and a few of my friends decided to have an "after-party" if you want to call it that. since i was planning to sleep over in my boyfriend's house and since we have the same set of friends, we decided to grab a drink that night at his place. that was the fun part. drinks and random conversations and laughter. it made my night.

we talked about nothing and everything and some other things that people would likely to raise an eyebrow at. nevertheless, the feeling of being yourself was there--and that was more than i can ask for when im with a group of people--of friends. not many people can allow you to be yourself and be comfortable with it. you'd think the group i was with that night wouldve been my friends for years--but not at all. this just proves that years of being together dont amount to good friendship.

you have to choose your friends wisely. if you do, it doesnt matter whether youve been together for years or for a week. what matter is the acceptance.

now i suppose i'll go have a shower and get ready for the day.

the perks of being a wallflower

disclaimer 1: the entry in this post is my opinion and mine alone. respect it or get out. i also do not claim that my opinion is the right one, but it is my belief. i am not going to trample on anyone else's opinion but this is my corner of the internet and i can say what i want--im not writing for the readers or to gather comments, so if you have any comments or violent reactions to this post, well, stick it in a juice and suck it. also, this is just self expression, what i write here, i will leave here and i will not be carrying it with me to shove it into other people's faces later on. okay. thank you. i will write this and move on promptly afterwards. forget and let go.

disclaimer 2: yes i am aware that the title of this blog post is a title of a book-turned-movie. and no, i havent read or watched it yet, maybe i will check it out, maybe i wont. but yeah, i wont be talking about the actual book/movie here, but nevertheless, it fits.

moving on to the actual content of this post.

can i just say, people need to get off their fucking pedestal and realize that they are nobody. they are noone. i am noone. we are noone. we are a part of a society as a whole and at the end of the day, we all go to sleep cause we are tired because we are flesh and bones and humans and flawed. 

get that through your goddamned skulls.

personally speaking, i consider myself a very passive member of my community. issues arise, they come and go, but i no longer care to take a major part of them unless i am straightly involved--and often times, im not--because of my choice to stay in the background. it allows me to survey the situation better without worrying which side to take--because i am not expected to. im just the fly on the wall you know? and i think it's better that way.

no one cares to notice those who arent pushing their way into the main picture. this means you are left alone with your thoughts without the pressure of sharing your thoughts of the majority. no one would care if youre against them either--cause to them, youre no one. well to me, they are no one as well. merely acquaintances that i have to coordinate with in this stage of my life. they will go just as they came and we all just have to accept that. only a fair few of people will actually stay with you through the course of your life--so why care about the others? why invest so much emotions that will just lay to waste several years later? answer: you dont. you dont unless you want to lose your identity just so you can be a part of the majority.

no thanks. i like myself.

but do you know what i dont like? people who think too much of themselves--so much so that they turn a blind eye to what is real and what is right. people who got their nose up too high that they cannot see the rock that lay in front of their feet, until they stumble and fall to the ground--by then they are already wounded and full of regrets. well, unless you are fucking god, i dont think you have the right to think youre any better than any other human in the frickin planet. i dont--in fact i think im insignificant with insignificant thoughts--but they are my thoughts and these thoughts make up who i am. it is my right to think this way--but it is not my right to disrespect and step on other people. 

it is no one's right to deny other people the respect they deserve. 

because in the end, we all are reduced to ashes. we are all the same. doesnt matter whether person a is booksmart and person b is streetsmart. doesnt matter whether you have a superior iq and the other doesnt. the issue here is humanity--being humane.

equality--giving due credit to those who deserve it.

but here's a tip: it's better to be underestimated than to overestimate yourself.

im usually passive. quiet. but you have no idea how loud my mind is. screaming at the injustice and wrongness that is surrounding me right now.

im not taking any sides here, like i said, im just a fly on the wall. all i have is my side. a side which may or may not be of importance to anyone else. but at least im me enough to stand my ground and state my opinion.

dont call me a coward for expressing all this in here--a safe haven, a sanctuary, a face hidden, safe behind the screen of my laptop. im not. what i am, is choosing the battles i fight in. for i see no reason to fight a losing battle. who am i? i am no one. i am simply girl with her own ideas--a single entity with no desire to go against a hive with a single mindset. 

im not suicidal.

realization of something that is long overdue

this entry wont be a long one. it will be straightforward.

"dont let your happiness depend on something you may lose"

makes sense.

i was scrolling through my dashboard in tumblr when i stumbled upon that quote and then he comes to mind. i just realized then that after all the relationships i've been in, especially the last one, he is the first guy who i've no doubts of leaving me--which is a big difference from the last where everyday it's me waiting and expecting for him to straighten up and tell me he's done with me. that was how i felt more than 75% of the time that i was with him. in three years, i never grew out of that fear. look how well that turned out.

reading that quote made me realize that not even a year into our relationship, i've already settled into the comfort of the idea that he wont be leaving me anytime soon--hopefully ever.

im happy. he makes me happy.

and for the first time, i wasnt afraid of losing it, of losing him--of him leaving me. perhaps it's because he made sure to break me out of that way of thinking before we officially got together. im referring to the kind of thinking where nothing is permanent and everything is supposed to end one way or another--eventually. i still remember what he said:

"what is the sense of being in a relationship if youre just expecting for it to end anyway?"

he made me think. it was hard, to break out of my insecurities in regards to relationships. i'm not entirely sure if im 100% over it but im much better now. 

i believe i've finally found someone who's earned--and is worth--my trust.

lucky me~

a year later and you still make my heart fly

it's one of the most precious feelings as far as im concerned. the feeling that would engrave the moment in your mind. the rush of emotions, the heat in your cheeks, the undeniable smile on your face even though you try to hide it, the beat against your chest.

my boyfriend likes to sing. he likes to sing randomly, and sometimes he sings for me. sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's heartwarming, sometimes it's sexy, and sometimes it's just perfect.

the other day was just like any other day. we spent the day together just lazying around. but it was that night that made the day worth noting for me.

we were waiting for a bus to ride home when his phone played a song that apparently caught his attention since he started singing it--which in turn caught my attention.

what is the reason, when you really could have any man you want,
I don't see, what I have to offer.

he stopped singing, turned to me and asked, "why indeed did you choose me, when you can have any man you want?" i just smiled, said. "why not you?" why indeed? but i did get the man i wanted. i wanted him. despite his beliefs that he didnt have much to offer me, i would just like to say that he gave me so much that i thought possible.

what did he have to offer? if this is a question of being worthy, i dont see who else could be anymore worthy than him. i honestly dont have the habit of asking material things that often. he makes me smile, he puts up with me during the good and bad times, he understands me, accepts me, loves me for who i am and if those arent enough to make one worthy of me, i dont know what would.

he makes me happy. and that's more than anyone can ask for at any time of their lives.

that night he said something about butterflies, about the irony of how no matter how beautiful they are, they cant see it themselves. it's the same, see? he probably believes that he's not that special because he cant see himself the way i do, the same way i cant see myself the way he sees me. maybe that's why we have each other. to show one another what we cant see ourselves, to make each other realize who we are, and who we can be. to hold each other up when we cant hold ourselves up alone.

when a day is said and done,
and in the middle of the night you're fast asleep, my love

I'm the luckiest man alive.

all i can say is that, im just as lucky to have you and call you mine.

RA 10175. this is for you.

fuck off, you bunch of incompetent shit.

thank you.

what to do?

i found out yesterday that my boyfriend is sick. i had him take some meds but apparently he's still getting worse. it worries me and i dont know what to do. i'd visit him if i have the time but that might have to wait till thursday. we really have no idea what happened, but then again most of the time, getting sick is like that. you wake up one morning feeling like shit--without any reason at all.

too many people i know are getting sick lately. maybe it's the weather.

argh. what should i do? im worried. i feel so helpless.