a night of hidden moons and void emotions

i honestly dont know whats wrong with me anymore.

i feel so tired lately. exhausted. depleted. it's so not me. im losing myself and i have no idea how to find myself again.

have you ever gotten that feeling that you want to talk, have someone to talk to, but have no idea what to talk about? i feel lonely. i know i shouldnt, but i am, and i dont know why. and i dont know how to remedy it.

im consistently tired. exhausted. stressed. sick. annoyed.

easily triggered.

empty.

i'd ask for help if i only knew what it is i should be asking help for. im looking for something and i dont know what.

im standing on a road lost, not knowing where i came from or where im supposed to go. i take one step, look around me, and see too many signs point to too many directions. im stuck and i dont know where to go. i dont know what to do, what to expect.

im spilling.

thoughts pour through my fingers. continuous. without a thought. senseless. searching for an anchor to keep me grounded on this reality which i yearn so much to run away from. im surrounded by people of black and white, where the only pigment of color is me. im lost in a sea, unable to breath, confused by the vastness of it.  

scared.

my thoughts follow no direction, and they continue spilling. an outlet. and expression.

thoughts in a disarray. confused. lost.

the night is dark. the sky is scattered with stars. i see light from far away, winking. but my guide, my moon, is stuck in its dark side. the knowledge that its there is not enough. it is unseen.

i need to see.

i need to find.

i need to find me.

help me find me.

an unexpected vacation of serenity

so yesterday was mine and j's first anniversary together. can you believe it? hah~

i honestly didnt expect something too .. hm.. well, lets just say i didnt expect much. im particularly easy to please. just some quiet time together for a day would suffice for me. but he honestly surprised me when he asked me if he could bring me somewhere for our anniversary the day before. and i had no idea what he was planning. i said yes--though i was a bit hesitant because he asked that i disappear with him for about two days. basically, i was to spend the night with him somewhere. i had no problems with it, though i would have to excuse myself from home. 

anyway, i ended up going. i wanted to. during the first months of our relationship, he had already asked me to go with him on their family trip to a beach resort. i suppose it would be understandable if i was unable to go before, after all we just got together, and disappearing with him for three days and two nights was still a bit uncomfortable, more so staying with his family.

needless to say, i had no regrets that i agreed on that trip. it was my first time to spend a night by the beach. it was quiet, just the two of us, pondering over things, over life. about what happened before and what might happen in the future. we were sitting by the shore, my toes buried into the sand, the rushing sea before us and the endless sky above us. it was just us. it was more than i hoped for. in fact, the sky that night, glittered with stars, affected me so much that every time i looked up the night sky several nights after that, i was brought back to that moment. it was an overwhelming feeling.

i couldnt say thank you enough. it was an experience that i wouldnt forget. and that's a feat for a relationship that's only been a year old. as long as the stars glitter above me every night, that night by the sea will never be forgotten.

that night you reached out to me and gathered me close to you. you placed your arms around me--you were asleep but i felt then, with the way you held on to me and refused to let me go, how cared for, and how loved i was. i was perfectly content staying where i was, covered in blankets, surrounded with pillows, with your warmth beside me. 

that scene, that night--will be forever etched into my memories.

one down. more to go. here's to more years for us.

im just one glass too full

there always comes a point in time when i just bubble up--and thats not to be taken in a positive way. i meant bubble up as in up to an exploding point, as proved in my old blog posts. i cant help it. im the type of person who ignores and lets small things that annoy me slide by. this is a fact, and obviously, im aware of this trait in me. however, its also because of this trait that small things add up through time and just like a glass of water, once it's filled up--no matter the manner it was filled--it eventually spills. unfortunately, even though im aware of this, until now, i still cant control it.

im overflowing.

the problem with this is that, when im near that exploding point, im full of so many small things that i can get triggered by yet another small event, insignificant even--but still a trigger. and because im filled by small things i initially let pass, at this point when im overflowing with emotions, one cant just ask me "what's wrong?" because with all the little things, i cant just specify what is wrong, because at that point, everything has turned into a blur and the only thing wrong at that point is that my emotions are at its peak. at this point, im a volcano that wont stop spilling lava and magma until the core cools down. and that takes a while.

after that happens, im back to the first stage of my cycle. an empty glass of water waiting to be filled once more to the brink. its something i really want to change--but i guess this means i would have to find more outlets for me to let things go. this blog is one of those outlets.

lemme just make a small note on what happened when i exploded a few days ago. tuesday actually. it was during humanities class. it was a very little thing really, however, ive been annoyed at my prof since last semester and seeing him again wasnt doing anything good for my nerves. see, ive enrolled a bit later than my classmates so i wasnt there during their first class where he apparently gave out his orientation. so long story short, i missed some requirements for the class which is some kind of an identification card where our recitation points go to. i didnt know about it until the day of the recitation. i wanted to recite, i wanted a grade, but since i had no card, no grade for me. i asked him about it and he said "it was my duty to know". as if im being incompetent for not knowing about it.

so i exploded after class. it also didnt help that he kept turning away from me when i kept on talking to him about it. i mean, how hard can it be to tell me "i need you to pass me an index card". is that so hard? so i walked out and being unable to help myself, i shouted on my way out:

"you know what, nevermind!"

anyway, just so you know, a lot of students hate that prof, not just me. so im not exactly a freak case here. it just so happened that i wasnt able to help myself from exploding at that moment. so that's that. well, after that outburst, my "water" level went down so ive started to feel a bit better. but still im still a bit moody but that's almost close to normal too.

aaaaannyyway, it's the first day of december and i plan on starting it right.

im going out with some friends later for a late birthday celebration. must keep holding on to my good mood~!