small things. big things. all worth remembering.

it's been a year today since we officially met. most people probably dont know, probably dont even notice. but i do notice things worth noticing. small things, they may seem to be, but at that moment, even i had no idea how big it would turn out to be.

i still remember the first time i laid eyes on you. a stranger in a table full of people i know. a new face. a face i didnt know then would eventually be the reason for a smile on my face.

i remember when i stepped into the bathroom to wash the cake's icing from my face. i never told you that despite the blur that was my eyes, i saw you in the corner trying to record the moment.

i remember the event afterwards wherein due to the lack of chairs because of the amount of people in that venue, you chose to sit beside me, on my chair's armrest, and i used your leg as my armrest. i suppose you knew too by then the sense of familiarity that ran through us both. you acknowledged it first before i did.

i remember when you finally told me your name. a name that i didnt know then would be a name that i would never forget. you asked for my number and despite the fact that i dont really give out my number that easily, we exchanged numbers.

i remember when you offered to bring me home, a stranger i've only met a few hours earlier, when none of my other friends would see me safely home. but you cared. you went out of your way to bring me home. despite the fact that i wont remember your name in the morning, i let you bring me home. it was an innate trust.

i remember the next time i saw you after that day. it was a coincidence yet again, that you would be hanging out in that place with some of my friends. you had a topic i was interested in and i decided to stay. i remember sitting right in front of you. i remember meeting your eyes and saw that you regarded me in a curious way--as if you cannot decide what to do with me. that curiosity that i saw in your eyes was a thrilling sight.

i remember that in the same day, that night, you shared with me a secret that i know now wouldve been hard for you to share. yet you decided i was worth it, and i thank you for it. for we both know if you didnt see me, the real me, we wouldnt be here now, and my life wouldnt be so interesting as it is today.

i remember the first time you called. i was shaken but you decided to check up on me and make sure i was okay. it was the first time someone ever called me just to check if i was alright--and you immediately made me better. you did.

i remember when you asked me and brought me out on a date. it was a first, that's for sure. you recognized that i was feeling awkward so you brought it on yourself to loosen me up, and you succeeded. thank you for understanding me, for reading between the lines. i enjoyed that day more than i expected.

i remember when you brought me home that night and you said goodnight. you leaned in for a kiss and i gave you my cheek. i turned to look at you afterwards and i remember seeing the light in your eyes. i appreciate that you didnt push me and instead you looked completely contented with me right then. i've never felt so appreciated.

i remember that day after school, in that place where we always hang out. i was annoyed that you came in late, but i didnt know you decided to get me something that day. i had a difficult time eating but you went out of your way to buy me food which you wouldnt eat yourself, just to ensure that i would eat something that day. you would tell me later on that that was the day you decided to officially court me.

i remember the nights after that when you called me every night. we talked about nothing and everything and we never ran out of topics. slowly, i opened up to you, and you accepted me for who i am. we would share questions, share answers, of ourselves and everything else. i would fall asleep on the phone, knowing you were on the other line. you gave me the comfort i didnt know i needed.

i remember our bet. it was a small game. i had no intention of losing, but for all my cleverness, you found a way around me and won. the next day you brought me back to our place. i was nervous as you leaned in to kiss me because i lost our bet. but i won just the same. i won so much more than i thought i would. it wasnt my first kiss, but i consider it just the same. it was the first kiss i willingly gave anyone.

and i remember the day i finally said yes and i saw the joy in your eyes as if you couldnt believe what you just heard. you pulled a friend and proudly presented me as yours.

and i never felt so loved. so cherished. so precious.

in my life i always believed im contented with myself. in my solitude and silence, i thought i was complete. and then you came along and showed me a life that i didnt know i was missing. you came and you provided me what i needed even before i realized what it is.

warmth. comfort. understanding. acceptance. love.

untitled

i feel awful. worthless.
not just tonight, but for several days now.
it's too much. i cant take it anymore.

im crying.

but you wouldnt know.
you wouldnt even care to check.

you didnt listen.

there's no one to reach out to.
youre too busy to notice those which i want you to notice.

a random moment in time

according to a test i took in byzantium which analyzes my subconscious, this is the result:

You are a principled independent with a dark side.

Your responses indicate a desire to escape from your troubles, and a fear that this action will destroy what you’ve already achieved.

These conflicting emotions sometimes cause you to be abnormally irritable and impatient when your needs are not met. Your concentration is also impacted, often leaving you feeling groggy or agitated.

The ensuing anxiety usually leaves you feeling vulnerable. As a result, you become less affectionate with people you care about. You occasionally become caustic and even needlessly cruel.

This stems from your own insecurity and fear of failure. Leveraging your ability to remain strong in the face of adversity — an ability you’ve proved to possess in the past — is the key to your emotional satisfaction.

You have a strong opinion of your own abilities, which is deserved. You are sharp and intellectually discerning when the need arises. In times of great stress, you have the will power to make difficult decisions.

 
it's quite frighteningly accurate.

in the right place at the right time

life was dull. boring.

life was constant for her. there was nothing new. everything was painfully plain, reminding her of the harsh reality of life. she had always been the different one--both in a positive and a negative sense. she was aware of it and did nothing to change it for she didnt find anything wrong with it.

in fact, she took comfort in her solitude. 

or so she believed.

she was a girl forever mystified by the darker side of reality, the unknown and uncharted waters of fantasy--fantasy which she never stopped believing in. for her, there was a shred of truth in it, just waiting to be discovered. and she yearned to reach for it, to be pulled into a universe that would threaten to swallow her ignorance and overwhelm her with possibilities too many to discover in a lifetime. 

she never stopped hoping.

it was that one day, one seemingly ordinary day, that threw her off the path of reality and into a road untrodden.

------

i usually dont write blogs about my relationship as i believe such a part of my life should be considered private. but there are some times that i get the urge to write. not to boast, but for me to remember that once, in my life, there happened an event that i didnt expect at all. so much so, i didnt even consider the possibility of it happening. 

i believe myself to be a plain girl, stuck in reality with dreams of reaching far beyond the realm of possibilities. i write and i write and i write--my sole release from reality, my one way of spreading my wings and enter a world which only resides in my imagination. it made me different--and that's not always said on a positive connotation. strangely enough, i didnt mind my being different. i didnt mind being alone. i didnt want to conform if that would mean that i would have to let go of my beliefs--for me, i would rather hold on to my thoughts than let go of them for the companionship of another. my solitude was my best friend.

------

and then he came along. 

the meeting seemed to be anything but mere coincidence. we were in the right place at the right time. it was late and i had to go home. i wasnt in my right disposition and someone had to bring me home. noone else was available except for him. a stranger who ive only met not a few hours earlier, whose name was the only thing i know about him. a name which was forgotten in the morning.

his name is now a name which i will never forget.

honestly speaking, at first it would seem that our meeting happened at the wrong time. we were both in a relationship--never mind that both our relationships are that's nearing its own destruction. we were the kind of people who hoped for the best and ignored the rest. we were the kind of people who would hold on in a blind hope that something so ruined can still be redeemed. 

there was an attraction which i attempted to ignore. it was wrong at the time since we were both in our respective relationships. i acted as casually as i can, ignoring the faint hum of familiarity and a sense of belonging that he emitted whenever we spent time together. my mind was screaming the word wrong at me while everything else felt right. i would admit now that im a girl more emotional than rational.

the first call was a warning to me. yet i answered it. the second call was without any sensible reason, yet i enjoyed it. then the calls continued on--conversations about nothing and everything, of staying up late and falling asleep on the phone. eventually a sense of understanding came up.

the first invitation for a date almost sent me into a silent panic attack. it wasnt supposed to be. i shouldnt go despite the fact that i wanted to. here comes the amusing way of how people rationalize things in a manner that would benefit them, ignoring the underlying meaning of things. i denied the thought of it being a date. for me it was merely a trip of sorts. i had my reason of going out, and he simply wanted to accompany me, and i let him. but i knew i wasnt kidding myself. 

i was screaming. arguing at myself. demanding to know what it is im actually doing going out with him.

i tried to fool myself into thinking that it was just a friendly trip, until he invited me to watch a movie. at that point i literally stopped in my tracks, disbelieving. i wanted to run. i wanted to say no. i wouldve, if he hadnt already paid for the tickets. i didnt want to go but for the sake of politeness, i agreed. inside i was suffocating. he was too near. and despite the volume of the movie, it felt too quiet. however, i would have to acknowledge the fact that he warmed me up. im not entirely sure if he knew it or it was something that just comes naturally to him but eventually he was able to bring me a sense of comfort. i started to actually trust him.

that day ended with a silent time by the sea where we talked about everything and nothing, similar to the way we talk on the phone. by that time i was confused--or perhaps deep down, i already knew what i had to do, only that i wasnt sure right then if it was the right thing to do. but i was starting to have affections for him and it wasnt fair to the other person i was with at that time.

------

the days after that  became a blur. the lines that kept our friendship in boundaries became a blur as well. friendship eventually turned into a quiet relationship which despite the lack of confirmation, shone as bright as the sun. we enjoyed our time together, exchanged thoughts and emotions--which at the time i seriously wanted to be fleeting. 

i didnt want attachment. i didnt want another failure in my life. i didnt want to be disappointed, or hurt, or betrayed. i suppose somehow my refusal to accept things as it is frustrated him. i avoided attachment. i avoided solid ground. as much as i wanted it, i avoided confirmation because confirmation of what we are then would mean accepting him into my life.

and i wasnt sure i was ready for that then.

------

several months had passed, almost nearing a year since that night he first brought me home. we were able to straighten things out with our past. he was able to convince me to give him a chance and i didnt regret giving him that chance. 

i didnt write this post to flaunt him or our relationship, nor did i write this to gush on him. i didnt write this to lay fault on either of our past partners. i wrote this so i can remember.

i wrote this to remind myself that once i allowed a stranger a chance to enter my life.

i wrote this to remind myself that i do not regret that decision.

after all, if i didnt give him the chance, we wouldnt have known that we werent strangers after all. and that our meeting that night was not a mere coincidence. but a meeting merely delayed for it to take place in the right place at the right time. 

and i wouldnt have known that there is an entirely different world parallel to the everyday reality that we are all living day after day.

and i have only him to thank for.

thank you for finding me again.

the threat deadlines with a blissful route of escape

so it's been a while since i last blogged--which was about me getting sick. so i suppose it'll be understandable why i didnt write anything for a week or so. i didnt really have the energy to sit in front of the computer and force my mind to work. it wouldve been an impossible feat anyway. so instead i practically vegetated in front of the tv, curled up on the couch while flipping through channels on our cable, from history channel, to discovery, natgeo, fox, star movies, hbo, animax, and even cartoon network (yeah, i went there--adventure time anyone?).

i would also like to note how happy and precious i felt when j came over that sunday and just pass the time doing a potc marathon. yeah, im quite satisfied just sitting there on the couch with him watching johnny depp on the screen. eheh~ he even brought donuts. hooray for that~

the week after that, which was last week, was my midterm exams. i didnt really study for anything, but im like that. im not trying to boast or anything, but i think ima pass my subjects. basically, i was still recovering last week so its just me going to school, take the exam, then spend the rest of the day resting and lounging about (mostly with j). but still, i tend to stay away from my laptop even then.

so yesterday, my mom and i went out and she finally bought herself a laptop (finally leaving me with my own) so that's why i finally had access to my laptop now. see the problem before is whenever my writing muse comes for a visit, i cant use my laptop cause she's using it, and by the time she lets me on, my muse is already gone. unlike today, despite being late in arrival, at least i can write the moment i get the urge to. so hello blog again~ i missed you.

anyway, since i basically stayed away from my laptop for more than a week, and with me being a page editor in my college's newspaper, needless to say, i have heaps of work to do, articles to write--five of them actually. eek.

so yeah im trying to get my groove back into writing which is why i started by writing this blog and hopefully this will get my brain fuel burning. so here i am, trying to get up to the demands of my job but all writers know it's hard to force a writer to write without a muse. but im not sure that's gonna matter now since im waaay behind deadline, and while i dont physically seem like it, im panicking over the amount of articles i have to write.

eitherway, next week will be my college's intramurals so that's going to be a full week without classes. let's just hope i find it in me to actually use that amount of time to my advantage. in the meantine, ima go take a quick shower before trying to wrestle my writing muse to stay with me a couple more hours.

i think i'll bribe her with a cup of latte. till next time~

be careful what you wish for.

i have to take two different meds starting today for two weeks.

yeah.

i really dont know when it started. maybe it was that one night when i stayed up all night to finish up requirements in my logic subject. i finished the entirety of the project at around 6am then with a class hanging over me in an hour and a half. so long story short, i only had an hour of sleep to let me function the entire day the next day.

after class that day i immediately hugged my bed and fell asleep.

i woke up the next day at around 8 or 10 am, i cant remember now.

so thats stress, overwork, lack of sleep, and lack of food all in a span of 24 hours.

then just last night, my throat started to hurt. i thought it was just a temporary thing. maybe i ate too many sweets, or chewed too much ice that my throat went hoarse. but it steadily grew worse and eventually i developed a light fever. i still went to sleep. it was today that i really felt awful. coughing, headaches and a hurting throat. eventually my mom decided to bring me to a doctor, thinking it was tonsilitis.

turns out i was having hyperacidity. stress and forgetting to eat builds up acid in my stomach and eventually it worked up to my throat which resulted in my current condition.

so that's why im stuck with two different meds for the next two weeks.

boo hoo.

and its a monday. among other things.. coffee anyone?

helloooo monday. 

its been a while since i actually had to go to class on a monday. the previous mondays were suspended either due to a storm or a school event or a holiday. nevertheless, its been a while--so much so that i cant remember the last time i had classes on a monday.

eitherway, monday classes have returned with a vengeance.

first class today was at 7.30 this morning and man was it pressuring. its our research subject and (i just noticed my eyes are bloodshot. why? im coming down with my allergy again, so i just popped in my med. let's hope it works) our prof was so terrifying that we actually managed to produce an output from nothing within an hour or two. i actually produced an output that gained a "very good" comment. who would've thought? eitherway, i really cant express how pressuring that was in words. either im really out of words to describe, or my brain is just too tired to think at this point (which is bad cause i have tons of other stuff to finish tonight).

moving on, after our research subject, i had a small "breaktime" if you can call it that. well, compared to my research subject, having my ojt at the guidance office of my college was a breeze since i just had to check some tests and score them. it was a job that didnt require much brainpower from me so it was a rest of sorts even though my hands are working mechanically.

next comes filipino psych after lunch. i had to report along with a group mate but it was generally a pleasant experience, more so since it was then i received the feedback on the hurried output i gave our prof for research earlier in the day. i also had a moment to feel giddy when the topic went to courtship and our prof decided to ask us girls--those who are currently in a relationship--how we were courted by our boyfriends. anyway, after that we had to go to our logic class--which is unfortunately led by a prof i would dare say illogical at times. fortunately for me (and unfortunately for others) it would seem he's playing favorites and are easily swayed by compliments. last time he gave the class a quiz--a hard one at that, if i were to answer it. fortunately our report that made me and a friend exempted from that exam--and get a perfect score. on top of that, i was honestly and unexpectedly surprised to find out i actually did good on our first quiz, which i thought i failed. in fact, he told me i got one, if not the, highest score for that quiz, 32/40. i honestly dont know where that came from but hey, not complaining (one of the questions was define meditation, but since i didnt know his definition of meditation, i went with what meditation meant to me--since ive been practicing it. i think it managed to satisfy. hah).

and then physics came up (dun dun dun). suddenly my brain was drained by derivations and formulas and solutions and problems and numbers.. ugh. i used to like physics back in our prelim period but i honestly dont know what to expect now. i might even fail (hopefully not. but chances are my grade might go down). while i get the gist of what our prof in physics is teaching (and believe me, im trying here), i still get confused. maybe a few more problems might help me smooth things out. i think i had physics for two hours or so? so yeah. its pretty draining. 

moment of silence for my braincells that died earlier.

and more to die soon.

after classes, my groupmates came over to work on our thesis a bit. well, i believe we made some progress and its more than i can hope for these days, what with all the schedules and deadlines coming up. which reminds me, i have too much work left to do. evaluations, an assignment, and articles for the newspaper. also, i just registered the fact that as a page editor for the college's newspaper, i would have to check the articles for the features page. omg. 

well. i think ima go shower now and get a cup of coffee afterwards (my allergy seems to be dying down now). maybe i can work on some stuff i need to get done (but i think i should accept the fact that i may not finish all of em now).

can it be friday already?

here's to my sanctuary

i actually missed my room being just mine.

its been a while since i had my room and my laptop all to myself and im quite satisfied.

i missed coming home and just lay down in my room all by myself. it allowed me to rest as much as i can without thinking of anything else. i've been to j's earlier and i needed the break, not that it wasnt relaxing to just lay down on his bed and cuddle with him while watching a movie, but finally returning to my room--that is just mine and mine alone--is like the cherry on top of my sundae. i need more days like this.

just thought i'd write that down here.

hooray for privacy~

a ring of gold and blue sapphires

i had this dream not too long ago.

of broken glasses and golden rings
of blue sapphires and shining diamonds
in a church of black and brown.

down on one knee
and an affirmation
standing before a power
unmistakable.

a dance of two
a dance for one
and a dance with no count.

with a memory of broken shards
of a clear glass lined with gold
falling--like stars from a night sky.

all because of a ring of gold and blue sapphires.