who are you? because i dont know who i am anymore or who i should be.

i am plagued by my own demons. demons who stare at me in the face and i know i shouldn't give in to them. but i cant help myself. im too weak to resist. i dont want to do this anymore. i want to get out.

i need help to do so.

i need someone help me.

i dont know what to do anymore.

i will just end up ruining everything in the end.

and knowing it beforehand makes everything much worse.

i know i have the power to stop it. to change. but i cant find it in me.





help.

this is not plagiarism, but i share a thought

“Call Center lang pla nagwowork”

Following a heartfelt complain by a former workmate about having heard this phrase, I could not help but write this in defense. Yes I am a Law graduate, and yes I have worked in the call center industry during my days thinking that this phrase meant that call center is as menial as they say it is… but you know what….

This phrase pisses me off a lot. Why? There is such a huge discrimination when one hears a person is working in a call center. Companies even have specific rules for application for loan, credit card, phone line and so many other things if you are working in a call center, and if you say call center, you can hear the aah of disappointment in their tones.

Sad thing is, do these people actually know how freaking hard it is to get in a call center from the initial interview up to training even on the production floor? Yes they do see the glamour of call center workers partying, Starbucks or going out having a good time, but they deserve it, because these people slave 8-9hours or more a day bearing insults from clients who are not even their own family, constant changes with stats that they have to meet up with and the worry that anytime one minor fault can lose them their job. Believe me this work is not just about sitting down and saying hi and hello and its all good.

Carrying of phone is strictly prohibited in the production and yet you will get some ignorant love ones requesting to break up or even blame you for not answering the phone during your work hours. Do they even know carrying a phone inside the production floor is a cause for termination? Yes believe it or not it is! In spite of being regularized these people still do not have stability of work, with the constant change of client requirements and statistics, quality control and metrics a call center agent can lose his job at anytime! Being late can be cause for termination, even being absent if its 3 consecutive days is ground for termination. And regardless of the emergency it is a requirement for an agent to phone in 2hr before his/her shift to inform that they can’t make it, otherwise it is marked as No call, no show which can also lead to grounds for termination, now consider this what if an emergency struck and you are unable to call? Yes they do get penalized regardless. They work graveyard shift and believe me working in the night is one of the most difficult thing to do only to go home and sleep the day off to wake up and prepare again to go to work. Holidays, even Christmas and New Year they are required to go to work, regardless of any holidays celebrated. Its funny how the media always portray the glamour of working in a call center, but the true call center work takes a lot of hard work, sweat, blood and tears which the media have never gotten the chance to really show to the public.

In summary? Respect! This is not a simple job, otherwise they would not offer such a high pay, it takes a lot of sacrifice and yet it is classified by our system as a factory worker category, such a shame. No job deserves more respect than the hardworking call center agents who slave every night to support their family because our government could not offer a job that suits their profession. For those who uses the phrase “call center lang pla nagwowork” I challenge you to try and enter this profession and after 2 or 3 months, tell me the same phrase that you mentioned and I promise you, you will change your perception!

-Unknown

we were gods. once.

just something i wrote during work today. i may or may not incorporate it to my previous story already posted on here which was "a shadow in winter".

The lost daughter of the Seelie Court, the tortured son of the Unseelie, and a prophecy that will bind them together. The merging of two opposite forces - to control the uncontrollable and to liberate the bound.

 

Because when Fate starts playing, she always plays to win.

 

----------

 

It was an impulse he didn't understand. All he knew was the once he saw her, he wanted her. He was even almost - almost - willing to admit that he needed her. It infruriated him that he would someone like her, a mere mortal, would affect him like so. It was discomforting but he didn't think about it, not now. He wanted her now so he would take her. He would ponder the reasons and the consequences later. For now, he couldn't miss his chance.

 

He appeared before her from under the shadow of a nearby tree, seeming to have actually stepped out from the shadows and into reality. That wasn't actually far from the truth. His eyes - bright, icy blue, which some even claim can look too cold sometimes - focused on the girl. Those eyes that stood out from his dark demeanor was focused with the intensity of a predator stalking it's prey. That isn't too far from the truth either.

 

The girl was pretty for a mortal, he would give her that much. Her hair of gold caught the light of the sun, something he didn't like too much but he found beautiful against this girl. Her eyes were a warm brown - a direct opposite of his. Overall the girl looked as if the sun shone within her. She was radiant and warm where he was cold. He knew she'd do better without him - much better - but he wanted to be selfish, he could afford to be selfish. That was ingrained to his being, what he could take was his, and she was no exception.

 

He took a step out of the shadow that hid him and he reached out, intending to reach for the girl, to place a mark - anything. But at the exact moment that he took a step, the girl looked up, her actions suddenly alert in comparison to her relaxed state not a few seconds ago. He likened her to a frightened deer. Her eyes fell on him - which should've been impossible - he was invisible to her, but her eyes caught him. She was wide-eyed and for a moment Xaedh studied her and realized that she saw nothing. But he was impressed, she was able to pinpoint his location. Her eyes were searching but unable to see the threat. Xaedh felt a smirk pull at his lips when he saw her tremble. He was unsure whether she felt threatened or scared - but she felt his presence, that much he knew. He decided to take another step - and the girl bolted.

 

He could've laughed. He clearly underestimated her. She was more perceptive than he thought - more intelligent than she was beautiful. And definitely more intruiging. She ran from him but it didn't matter. He looked down and saw a fallen flower - the one she held before she ran. Xaedh reached down and chuckled faintly. It didn't matter that she ran today. He would find her. She was his, he decided. He watched as the flower turned into ice in his hand. He tossed the frozen flower away, watching it drop to ground once more, shattering into crystals upon impact, before looking towards the direction she ran to.

"Smart girl. You may have escaped me today, but not forever. I'll see you again."

 

And with that he turned away and returned to the shadows.

 ----------

Wraiths welcomed him when he returned to the Court, Cailleach, in particular. Their robes billowed around them, moved by a nonexistent wind. Their robes were tattered, but despite the state of their clothing, there was a dangerous, deathly beauty about them, particularly Cailleach, who knew of the effect she had, even appointing herself the leader of their group of three. Beare and Fienn followed behind her, hunched and pale, as if shrivelling under the presence of Cailleach. Most fae, Seelie and Unseelie, had some amount of fear and respect towards them. But Xeadh often saw them like one of those cliques that human girls like to form - like they were goddesses who walked the earth and earned the right to treat others like--

"Xeadh, you're back. And what have you been up to lately? You were gone a while." Cailleach's voice broke through his thoughts. He noticed the way she tried to make her voice feel like silk, but her nature as a wraith was evident, making her voice crack. And it was far from attractive. In fact, Xaedh was pretty sure if he was anyone but him, anyone of a lower ranking would've cringed or shivered at the sound of her voice.

"I'm rarely here, Cal. Nothing's changed. Anyway, why are you here? Did something happen?"

an upgrade of sorts: accomplishment!

i finally got around to writing this so yay!

so my last posts were about my laptop being stolen and me planning to replace it. for starters, i finally managed come around and replace it - but not with a laptop - not even a gaming laptop - but a full blown gaming pc. im not gonna list down the specs i bought but rest assured it's working damn good and damn fast.

her name is persephone. yeah. calling her perse for short. and no, im not spelling it as percy.

anyway, i managed to save some money from my pay and i finally got around to getting my first accomplishment! buying a gaming pc from my own hard-earned money (with a little help) but hey, not bad right?

i got persie last sept. 1 and i only managed to write about her today because it's been busy and i've been setting her up by updating and such - with the help of my boyfriend of course~

i'll be packing perse up with my old games that i lost from my laptop and some new ones as well. so far, perse's doing real good!

 and on that note, i'll have to cut this post since i have to get ready for work and whatnot.

im out~!

for those who can read the language of the cards

i first used my cards today with a 95-98% accuracy with 70-80% talent according to those who matter and those who know. i got them may 24th.

it's kind of scary and amazing at the same time.

if you think this has a happy ending, you havent been paying attention

the quote i used for my title is something i got from game of thrones, a series that i have been watching lately. however, before anything else, i would to say that this post will not be about that, as much as i would like it to be.

this post will be about something more impacting on my life. and im not even exaggerating.

my laptop, which has been with me since april 9, 2010, has been stolen from my bed yesterday.

if you know me, you would know how much my laptop meant to me. im not a social person by any means so that means my idea of hanging out is in my bedroom, surfing the net, playing games and whatnot. so therefore, you would know how i would feel losing my laptop. basically, it's like having a part of me cut of. as of this moment, im writing this on my boyfriend's pc.

i suppose its about time i replace my laptop anyway, but i didnt want to lost it like this. i was even planning on having it reformatted as was my plan after i graduate, to have everything cleared up. but i guess i was beaten to it.

well, there's no use sulking about it now. im planning to replace it soon. im working now anyway so i suppose just need to save a bit of money starting now and buy a new gaming laptop. wish me luck~

just to remember my laptop by~

here's me playing TERA while at my classmate's place after revising our thesis.

well then, that's that~

bye bye, A.

april 9, 2010 - june 11, 2013

the major arcana: the story (and meanings) 03

15 THE DEVIL

The Fool comes to the foot of an enormous black mountain where reigns a creature half goat, half god. At his hooves naked people, linked to the god's throne by chains, engage in every indulgence imaginable: sex, drugs, food, drink. The closer the Fool gets, the more he feels his own earthly desires rising in him. Carnal desires, hunger for food and power, greed and selfishness. "I have given up all such desires!" he roars at the Goat god, resisting the beast's power with all his might. He is sure that this is a test of his new spirituality, one where he must prove that the temptations of the material world cannot sway him.

The creature responds to his defiance with a curious look. "All I am doing is bringing out what is already in you," it responds mildly. "Such feelings are nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of, or even to avoid. They are even useful to helping you in your quest for spirituality, though many try to pretend otherwise."

The Fool gestures angrily at the chained men and women, "You say that even though these are clearly enslaved to the material world?"

The Goat-god mimics the Fool's gesture. "Take another look." The Fool does so, and realizes that the chained collars the men and women wear are wide enough for them to easily slip off over their heads. "They can be free if they wish to be," the Goat-god says, "They remain here because they want to be controlled by their base, bestial desires. There are, however, others…."

At this the Goat-god gestures upward, toward the peak of the mountain. "…Others who have used these same impulses to climb to the highest heights. If they had denied their desires they'd never have gotten there."

On hearing this, the Fool sees that he has mistaken the Goat-god. This is not a creature of evil as he thought, but of great power, the lowest and the highest, both of beast and god. Like all power, it is frightening, and dangerous...but it is also a key to freedom and transcendence.

16 THE TOWER

As the Fool leaves the throne of the Goat God, he comes upon a Tower, fantastic, magnificent, and familiar. In fact, The Fool, himself, helped build this Tower back when the most important thing to him was making his mark on the world and proving himself better than other men. Inside the Tower, at the top, arrogant men still live, convinced of their rightness.

Seeing the Tower again, the Fool feels as if lightning has just flashed across his mind; he thought he'd left that old self behind when he started on this spiritual journey. But he realizes now that he hasn't. He's been seeing himself, like the Tower, like the men inside, as alone and singular and superior, when in fact, he is no such thing.

So captured is he by the shock of this insight, that he opens his mouth and releases a SHOUT! And to his astonishment and terror, a bolt of actual lightning slashes down from the heavens striking the Tower and sending its residents leaping out into the waters below.

In a moment, it is over. The Tower is rubble, only rocks remaining. Stunned and shaken to the core, the Fool experiences profound fear and disbelief. But also, a strange clarity of vision, as if his inner eye has finally opened. He tore down his resistance to change and sacrifice (Hanged man), then came to terms with Death (Death); he learned about moderation and synthesis (Temperance) and about power (The Devil). But here and now, he has done what was hardest: he destroyed the lies of his life. What's left are the foundations of truth. On this he can rebuild himself.

17 THE STAR

On the bleak landscape where the Tower stood, the Fool sits, empty, despairing. He hoped to find direction on this spiritual journey, a path to his spiritual self, but having just learned that most of his life was a lie, he now feels lost. Sitting on the cold stones, he gazes up at the night sky wishing for some kind of guide. And that is when he notices, nearby, a beautiful girl with two water urns. As he watches, she kneels by a pool of water illuminated with reflected starlight. She empties the urns, one into the pool, one onto the thirsty ground.

"What are you doing," he asks her. She looks up at him, her eyes twinkling like stars. "I am refilling this pool, so that those who are thirsty may drink, and I am also watering the earth so that more fruit trees will grow to feed those who are hungry." She nods back to a single fruit tree that stands nearby, a nightingale singing amid its branches.

"Come," she invites. "Sate your hunger and quench your thirst."

The Fool plucks some fruit from the tree, then kneels by her and drinks from the pool. The water tastes wonderful, like liquid starlight, and the fruit is equally delicious. Both help to heal his wounded heart.

Having quenched his thirst and sated his hunger, the Fool lays back to gaze up at the stars. "They're so beautiful," he said, "but so distant."

"Like possible futures," agrees the girl. "Cool and distant. Yet if you keep one in sight, it can guide you to your destination no matter how far away it is." Even as she says this, she began to fade away, like dew, vanishing. All that remains is a gleam that was at the center of her forehead. This rises up and up, until it settles in the night sky as a shining star. "Follow your star," the woman's voice seems to sing from that light, "and have hope."

The Fool takes in a breath and rises. It is a dark night, a desolate land. But for the first time, he has a guiding light to show him the way. Distant as it is, it restores his faith.

18 THE MOON

Following the star the Fool travels through the night. The full Moon rises, illuminating for him a watery path. And he begins to feel disoriented, as if walking in his sleep. He passes under the moon, between two pillars ancient and strange. Suddenly, he looks around to find himself in another land entirely. When he was in the presence of the High Priestess, he saw hints of this dark land through the sheer veil draped behind her throne. And later, when he hung from the tree, he felt himself between the physical world and this one. Now, he has at last passed behind the veil.

Here are the mysteries he sought, the darkest mysteries, ones that have to do with the most primal and ancient powers. It is a land poets, artists, musicians and madmen know well, a terrifying, alluring place, with very different rules. Wolves run wild across this land, hunting along side maidens with bow and arrows. Creatures from childhood nightmares and fantasies peer from shadows, eyes glowing.

The path the Fool was walking is now a river, and he stands hip-deep in the powerful pull of its salty waters. There is, on the nearby shore, a small boat, but it has no rudder, no oar. The Fool realizes he has only two choices. He can lose himself in this desolate, primal land of madness and illusion, howl with the wolves, be hunted down, or he can get into the boat and trust himself to the river. The moon will be in control either way, but in the boat his surrender to the powers of the unconscious will at least take him somewhere.

Inspiration, visions and genius are the rewards of such surrender to the Moon's Magic, as artists, poets and seers know. The Fool gets into the boat, and shoves off. As the waters sweep him away, moonbeams light his "path" and he feels the Mistress of this dark land gazing down at him with the High Priestess's approving eyes.

19 THE SUN

The Fool wakes at dawn from his long, dark night of the soul to find that the river has deposited him in a serene pool. There is a walled garden around this pond dominated by roses, lilies and splendid, nodding sunflowers. Stepping ashore, he watches the sun rise overhead. The day is clear. A child's laughter attracts his attention and he sees a little boy ride a small white pony into the garden.

"Come!" says the little boy, leaping off the horse and running up to him. "Come see!" And the child proceeds to take the Fool's hand and enthusiastically point out all manner of things, the busy insects in the grass, the seeds and petals on the sunflowers, the way the light sparkles on the pond. He asks questions of the Fool, simple but profound ones, like "Why is the sky blue?" He sings songs, and plays games with the Fool.

At one point the Fool stops, blinking up at the Sun so large and golden overhead, and he finds himself smiling, wider and brighter than he has in a very long time. He has been tested and tried, confused and scared, dismayed and amazed. But this is the first time that he has been simply and purely happy. His mind feels illuminated, his soul light and bright as a sunbeam, and it's all thanks to this child with his simple questions, games and songs. This boy has helped the Fool see the world and himself anew.

"Who are you?" the Fool asks the child at last. The child smiles at this and seems to shine. And then he grows brighter and brighter until he turns into pure sunlight.

"I'm You," the boy's voice says throughout the garden, "The new you." And as the words fill the Fool with warmth and energy, he comes to realize that this garden, the sun above, the child, all exist within him. He has just met his own inner light.

20 JUDGEMENT

As the Fool leaves the garden of the Sun, he feels that he is near the end of his journey, ready to take a final step. But something is keeping him from doing this, holding him back. He gazes up, hoping to find guidance from the Sun; instead he sees above him a fiery angel, beautiful and terrible.

"You are right," the Angelic figure confirms, "you have only one last step on your journey, one final step to completion. But you cannot take that step until you lay your past to rest."

The Fool is perturbed. "Lay it to rest? I thought I'd left it behind, all of it!"

"There is no way to leave the past behind," The Angel observes. "Each step wears down the shoe just a bit, and so shapes the next step you take, and the next and the next. Your past is always under your feet. You cannot hide from it, run from it, or rid yourself of it. But you can call it up, and come to terms with it. Are you willing to do that?"

The Angel hands the Fool a small trumpet. The Fool is hesitant, but he knows that the Angel is right. There are certain memories he has a hard time looking back on as they make him feel guilty, ashamed, angry. He knows that he's never come to terms with what happened and he must if he wants to make that final transition.

He blows the trumpet and it cracks open the Earth. From under the Fool's feet, the spirits of his past selves rise up, including those less than admirable past selves that he's tried to forget.

For the first time, he faces them. They are, he sees, nothing to fear. They were him once-upon-a-time, but not now. Even as he realizes this, he finds himself forgiving those past selves for the wrongs they did that left him feeling bad. He senses, in turn, that they forgive him for ignoring the lessons they had to teach him. As he reaches an understanding with them, they start to rise up and float away, vanishing into the sky. Though they remain as experiences and memories, they no longer have any power over him. He is free of ill-feelings, reborn, and living in the present.

21 THE WORLD

The Fool turns to take that final step along his final path, and finds, to his bemusement, that he is right back where he started, at the edge of that very same cliff he almost stepped over when he was young and too foolish to look where he was going. But now he sees his position very differently. He thought he could separate body and mind, learn all about one, then leave it to learn about the other. But in the end, it is all about the self: mind and body, past and future, the individual, and the world. All one, including the Fool and the Mystic who are both doorways to the secrets of the universe. 

With a knowing smile, the Fool takes that final step right off the cliff...and soars. Higher and higher, until the whole of the world is his to see. And there he dances, surrounded by a yoni of stars, at one with the universe. Ending, in a sense, where he began, beginning again at the end. The world turns, and the Fool's journey is complete.